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Stop Stereotyping Career Moms… (Don’t play with us)!

I recently seen a post about career moms not making good homemakers. This led me to create this post. It is assumed that if you have a career and you are a mother, you are more prone to neglect every other aspect of your life, bullshit. I even loss interest in this creators content after seeing the negative post about career moms. I started to single her out and tell her to speak for herself. All I could think was, “Bitch it’s 2021, Women are raising businesses and babies.”

I am learning that there are many insecure people, and they will push off their inadequacies amongst others to validate why they cannot accomplish what others simply can. Due to their laziness and insecurities, they find it impossible to believe that women like me have the zest to fulfill many roles. Especially, since they are barely maintaining the one role they are supposed to be managing. These women are still waiting for a man to save them and discrediting women who are getting off their ass and getting it themselves. In a perfect world, we could sit at home, barefoot and pregnant with the “ideal husband” taking care of us. However, that it not the reality for many women.

And even if that were the case, would we all be content with that position? Are all women meant to stay home and take care of children without an identity? Should we give up on our dreams and aspirations because of our gender? Or the gender boundaries and roles we are supposed to fit in? If that was simply the truth, why did some woman break that cycle and desire to do more?

Do I agree that it is challenging being a career woman and maintaining a home, yes. Yet, it is far from impossible. It’s called prioritizing and strategizing. Honestly being a homemaker has less to do with your occupation, either you have it or you do not. Either you will do it or you will not. Maintaining a home, creating meals and being a mother takes effort. If there is anything that you desire to do, you will put the effort in to do what needs to be done. I go above and beyond for my children. My career doesn’t take top preference over my family, but it is also apart of why I am an ambitious mother. I support my children to go after whatever it is that they desire to do in life by example.


Although, I respect full time SAHMs and homemakers, I go hard for my mothers who are balancing career life and their responsibilities in the home. I can only speak for myself, but I keep a well maintain home and nutritious meals on my kids plates. I make the bread and I butter it. So before you speak on career moms and what we can and cannot do, analyze your own life.

The fact that people can generalize a group of people due to their ignorance or insecurities doesn’t amaze, but amuses me. I have read so many negative comments about mothers who continue to pursue their professional passions while continuing to maintain their homes and nurturing relationships with their kids.

 For the people who say it cannot be done, or cannot be done successfully. I have proved them wrong every single time. Can I get a purrr… or whatever the young folks say!!!

Tahnee Cole

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Uncomfortable conversations

My daughter was amazed that even at 13 she could possibly be approached with offers of sex, drugs and liquor.
One day you are playing with Barbie, the next you are built better than Barbie and getting attention from the opposite sex.
Growing up can bring on a mix of emotions for parents and children.


I am thankful my daughter doesn’t want to grow up too fast, but I have to warn her of the kids who are anxious to try things they are not mature enough to handle.

Dealing with a teen can be tricky. It’s important to establish trust and a strong relationship with your teen. You want to be open but remain respectful. You want them to be able to talk to you while being respectful of your place in their life. You want to guide them as a parent, but discuss topics with them like a friend or mentor. You want to put the rules down without sounding like a Judge or overbearing.
Hell, we have all been teens. We have all made choices our parents may not have agreed with, but most of us can say that those disagreements early on gave us more insight than we will admit. We realized our parents were right, regardless if we want to admit the truth. Now, we are scared as hell that some of our karma will come through our kids.


To be honest, I was a pretty good kid, honor students, not sneaky, stayed out of trouble, but like any other teen I enjoyed my independence and found happiness in making my own choices. The guidance I had through both parents allowed me to think before I made choices. No I wasn’t perfect, but at least I had common sense. Even when I made unfavorable choices, I was able to take accountability and do better the next time.

As I embark on this journey with my daughter, I have been making an effort to keep an open relationship, explain to her critical thinking and give her insight on why she should and should not make certain choices.

Even though some conversations are difficult to have , it is best to lay everything on the table so she will be prepared to handle any situation. Keeping our kids naïve in hopes they will just ignore the chaos will leave them defenseless and more prone to making naïve choices.

As Heaven grows into the intelligent, young boss that she is, she can always depend on me to keep it real and to put her best interest a top priority!

Sending all my parents of teens positivity as they face many challenges!!!

Tahnee Cole

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Motivating my Teenager with braces

This year has been dedicated to staying on top of health maintenance.

Due to covid, we were all behind on our dentist visits so I invested in a waterpik. But there is something about seeing your dentist and orthodontist. This year, Heaven received her braces. She was so excited, since her gap has been her biggest insecurity.

I wanted my daughter to be content with her smile so I shoved out the dollars to get her teeth corrected. With that being said, tremendous diet changes have to be made. We already knew gum was out of the question, but we didn’t consider things like corn on the cob or Texas toast. Then there were some tough blows like popcorn which is Heaven’s favorite. She now has to replace popcorn with Pirate booty.

We have learned that it takes a team to help a family member on her journey. So here are 5 tips that we use to help keep Heaven encouraged during her braces journey!

  • Follow the list- We are not cutting corners. If the dentist or orthodontist says “NO”, there is a reason and we stay away from it. We want Heaven to feel good while wearing her braces with as little discomfort as possible. Eating the wrong foods and creating bad habits can cause harm to her. We do not want a diet that will slow the process down or cause issues with her braces.
  • Find alternatives- For every little thing that Heaven cannot eat, there is something that she can eat. Daily, we are replacing some of the junk food with healthier alternatives that will keep her teeth strong and healthy. It is not easy giving up your favorite foods, but finding something else that you like can be a plus as well.
  • Don’t tease- Heaven has a younger brother who does not have braces, so there are things that they use to enjoy together that she can no longer eat. I encourage Lj to not tease her and to not eat things in front of her that she cannot eat. This does not always work, but I will continue pushing this so that Heaven will not feel tempted to revert to pre-braces life, LOL!
  • Remind her of the goal- When Heaven is feeling discouraged or disappointed about changes that have to be made. I remind her that she wanted the braces to correct her smile, and that this sacrifice temporarily on some of the foods that she loves will be worth it.
  • Stay on top of the progression- Heaven’s teeth are already moving beautifully and her gap is closing. Seeing the changes only motivates her to keep going. The positive reinforcement and seeing results reminds her that she is on the right track and that we will support her every step of the way!
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Changes and Children

I had to explain to my son that life would always be changing. Rarely will everything be constant, but change can be beneficial. My son is six, a very smart six year old, but like most children change can be difficult. Family structure, new schools, new living situations, etc are always to be expected as years pass by.

But like six year olds, when we don’t initiate the change we feel uncomfortable, we feel vulnerable. I explained to my son that just like him, change whether voluntary or involuntary can also take its toll on me.

For example, I am adjusting to going from corporate savvy career woman to work at home mom. Yes, I am still a savvy, corporate career woman, but now I have the opportunity to stay at home and nurture my children, my home and work in my profession. It’s a blessing and a challenge at the same time.

Have I struggled with the change? Yes. However, I have learned to adjust to those changes by seeing the positive out the situation. Also, making adjustments and working to improve what I can around the change to make the best out of it.

After having this discussion with Jeremey we talked about the perks of some of the new changes, we even discussed some new goals we were going to make as a team. I am happy that my son can confide in me when he is uncomfortable about anything and trusts me to give him encouragement and words of wisdom.
I assured Jeremey that as long as I am breathing, I will be there to help him with all of life’s changes and challenges along the way!

Does your child struggled with change?

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Planning a fun and eventful 6th Birthday for my son!

I can’t believe my littlest is 6 years old and going to first grade. Time is flying. Birthdays are always celebrated at my house. The key is to keep it fun, stress-less and affordable. Of course, I always go over my intended budget, LOL.

This year, I took off a week to celebrate with my kids. We started eating at some new places. Condado was our favorite restaurant of all the places we visited this past week. Even though we are not huge taco fans, there are days that we enjoy rice bowls, burritos, nachos and tacos. Nachos are LJ’s favorite. Something about the awesome atmosphere whenever tacos and fruity drinks are around. We were able to kick back, eat good and enjoy some laughter.

Next, we went to Fun-N-Stuff! Fun-N-Stuff is an indoor and outdoor amusement park for all ages. Rides, golf, go-kart racing, skating, bumper boats, and laser tag are some of the fun activities that you can participate in at this amusement park. Not to mention, that they make funnel cake sticks. The servings of the funnel sticks are small, but boy do you receive a sweet taste. The kids thoroughly enjoyed themselves and even did all the activities at least twice. I even participated in most activities. I was least successful at wall climbing!

Me over confident thinking I was going to tackle this wall with ease. Little did I know! lol

Visiting family, taking family photos, having a picnic and allowing the kids to spend time with the grands all led up to Lj’s big day. We wanted to make sure Lj ate good and had a fun party on his actual birthday. It was a Monday but who cares because his birthday is the first day of Summer. Meaning all of his friends are out of school and most people are happy to celebrate a little Summer Soiree. We did not invite a ton of people to his party since we are still trying to be mindful of Covid. We enjoyed lunch at Olive Garden. Lj ordered his favorite food, chicken fingers, spaghetti and fries. He was blessed with a delicious cheesecake in honor of his birthday from the Olive Garden staff!

Then we came home. I changed my dining room into Jurassic park. Lj loves dinosaurs and I couldn’t get the Fornite cake he wanted so I picked the next best thing. He was so excited when he saw the beautiful green dinosaur theme. He was blessed with his family, gifts, music, cake, ice cream and his favorite gummy bears (well dinobears)!

Overall, my baby was smiling so I would say his birthday and days prior were a success.

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Hyperemesis Gravidarum

“This ain’t no regular morning sickness. I’m sick all damn day.” I said frustrated.

I couldn’t get out the tub. Work started at 7:30 am and I was still in the tub at 7:10 am. I was crying because I knew I was going to have an awful day. I would be throwing up all day and then given extra work which added more stress on me. I would be taking trips to the bathroom to throw up my insides as discreetly as possible, wash my face and then return to do it again. My days were rough.

My son’s father was staring at me. I could tell he felt helpless, there was nothing he could do. I knew there was nothing he could do, but he was the only person I could vent my frustrations to. I mean hell, it was his baby I was carrying. I looked down at my bump and I immediately started feeling sick. I barely made it out the tub and into the toilet bowl. He stood behind me to hold my hair back. I can say a lot of things about my son’s father, but one thing I can never say is that he deserted me during my pregnancy. He was at every doctor appointment and with me every step of the way. He held my spit cups, he wiped my tears, he bought all my crazy cravings, rubbed my back every night. I suffered from sciatica.

I didn’t know what hyperemesis was. I thought this was just an unlucky curse for pregnant women. I thought there was something wrong with me. I was also sick with Heaven, but after my first trimester I was back to normal. With Jr., my sickness lasted longer. I was extremely sick. I was passing out at work. None of this was a good mix for a corporate America working mom. I attributed most of the ongoing sickness to being a tad bit older (29) and then finding out I was having another gender.

On top of the physical chaos, I was working for a company that did not understand that productivity was going to be low when a woman was throwing up every twenty minutes. I wasn’t the same worker they had knew. I was a new woman, pregnant with her second child and not feeling her best. My life had changed and I felt isolated. I did my absolute best, but it wasn’t enough. As I look back now, I pat myself on the back for what I did. I salute myself for coming back to work after being in Emergency on liquids to help my dehydration from the night before. I salute myself for not cursing people out for asking me to extend myself beyond my pregnant capabilities.

However, as a mom advocate, I will never tell a mentee to accept what I accepted. I will never tell a woman to extend herself beyond her capabilities just to stay employed. I tell women to run at the first sight of ill treatment in the workplace during pregnancy, if you possible. Especially, if HR is also in alignment with the improper treatment. I always say choose yourself first. Never stress or drain yourself out trying to do what you are incapable of doing.

Hyperemesis is a real struggle to deal with and needs to be discuss more. I will never forget about my experience. Despite the circumstances, I was blessed with beautiful babies. I am proud to overcome my obstacles and share my journey with other career moms to encourage them to keep striving.

Tahnee Cole

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the WAHM and SAHM confusion…

Ditch the WAHM being a SAHM CONFUSION. 

Since March I have been working remote due to the pandemic. It has been a mix of pleasure and testing my patience.

Due to personal and professional time constraints, I have learned that I can’t do it all and I’m content with that realization.

While I respect and commend moms who stay at home, because it is no simple task raising children all day. There is a huge difference between being a work-at-home mom and a stay-at-home mom. It seems easy to confuse the two.


Working at home with your children is different. I had an issue with a teacher due to me having to explain to her that I couldn’t be as present with my five year old son during a zoom lesson. I manage a high profile portfolio that requires meetings and my attention. Most of my meetings at work are arranged and facilitated by me so I have to be attentive. I tried to make arrangements for Zoom lessons to be at a more convenient time for working parents, such as lunch blocks, but it wasn’t possible. Luckily, my son was able to attend school in person and that resolved that issue.

It is as if, people tend to forget that working remote is working, but just not at the designated office. I have even had to explain to family members to not disturb me during my work hours. 

It is possible that work-at-home moms will feel extreme stress, because being at home will make you feel like a stay-at-home mom. You might even feel as though you should be showing your children more attention. While it allows you more access to your children, you still have a job to do and are doing double work. You have to make sure that you are not over extending yourself. It is important to establish rules for yourself and your family so that they understand that there are work requirements.

I am excited my kids are off for summer break soon. I am reading for vacations and no back and forth trips to school, but I will be making sure that I am not stressing myself out. This summer I will be doing major snack and meal prepping. You know that kids will eat all day if you allow them to do so. So I will be trying my best not to do too much unnecessary cooking and buying. I will be setting boundaries for when the kids can step into my workspace. My kids are usually good about doing their own thing, but there are times when I have to remind them. I will also make sure that at least a few times out the week they will be involved in some summer activities.

Being a WAHM can be challenging, but with preparation and positivity it can work out fine. Keep pushing #WAHMS !

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Confidence is Key : Ways i ENCOURAGE and motivate my black son.

In a world, where young black men are often downplayed as thugs, irresponsible baby daddies, drug dealers etc. It is important to teach our children about the images that are not often on the news. The positive images. Black people are thriving and there are many positive representations of “black boy joy” and “the black man can” to inspire our sons to be their greatest self. However, many times those positive images are hidden behind all the negative depictions. We must obviously educate our young kings about what is necessary to survive, but even more so on how to thrive.

Let me tell you about 5 ways that I am encouraging my son to be his greatest self. As well as, to celebrate himself with confidence!

BOOKS …

I love the fact that there are many positive books for young black boys. Some of my favorite books come from Hey Carter Books by Dr. Thomishia Booker. These books teach my son to be comfortable and proud to be in his beautiful brown skin. They show positive representations of strong, gifted young boys. I adore the message presented to young children. My son is five and we have been reading these books since the beginning of the pandemic. We end our day with a book to help encourage him through tough school weeks and to keep reminding him of his greatness.

KNOWLEGE OF PEOPLE WHO CHANGED THE NARRATIVE…

I think it is so important to show my son examples of people who did the unthinkable. Showing him people who beat the odds. Life is not going to be easy and there will be obstacles. Showing your child a pretty perfect picture can often set them up for disappointments and defeat when they enter the real world. Instead, I show my son that obstacles can build character and that he can conquer the toughest of situations.

I also spent some time explaining to my son that even though I am his number one support system that it can be done without me. I try to teach my kids to rely on themselves, because we never know when we will only have ourselves. We must believe in ourselves when others do not. I also let them know that there are people who were successful without support so they will be a force to be reckon because they actually have support.

Lately, my son has been showing an interest in Science, but said other kids in the class thought he was weird for wanting to be a Scientist. I explained to my son that there are so many benefits of picking an unpopular purpose driven career choice. It is so easy to push our sons to athletic careers or the normal doctor, lawyer etc. These careers are also great, but I let my son know that it is possible to create a lane for himself and be damn good at it.

Extracurricular Activities…

Not only is it a great idea to keep your son in extracurricular activities for his health and wellness. It is a way to keep your child’s mind occupied with positive activities. Sports help with teamwork, leadership, focus, discipline and many other great values that will keep your child stay the course. Both my children are also following in their moms footsteps and wants to play musical instruments. I think it is very important to keep my children focused on their strengths and the positive talents that they can contribute to the world.

Positive males in his life…

My son is blessed to have a good active father in his life. He sees his dad multiple times a week and every other weekend. They have bonded since birth and he is pretty strict on how he raises Jr. I trust that he has Jeremey’s best interest at heart, and will keep him on the right path. Him having men in his life that show him how to value hard work, respect and morals will keep him focused. Many of the men in his life, dad, grandfathers, uncles, etc.. are hard-workers so he knows that nothing will just be given to him, but earned. I will also make sure that he is provided with mentors when it comes to different areas of his life. Mentors that are outside of the family that can help him with guiding him through his personal and professional life choices.

Positive self talk, Affirmations and compliments…

I am the mom to hype up her kids. I am also the mom to yell when I get upset, but I am learning that there is so much power in what you say. Giving your children positive reinforcement and positive affirmations will build them up. In a world where they will meet people who will deliberately cut them down, the last thing they need is you saying bad things about them. I definitely think this is something you have to work on daily, because as parents sometimes we tend to always correct and point out flaws, but we must focus on our children’s strengths. Especially, our young black boys who will always have to try a little Harder.

Tahnee Cole

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Teaching awareness and ambition.

Since my kids have been home with me more due to the pandemic, I have more time to teach them the values and skills that will be useful for them to thrive in life. Not just survive but to live abundantly. My parents taught me a lot and with each generation we are supposed to become stronger, braver and richer. My parents raised me to reach heights higher than them and I am looking forward to my children doing the same. At their young age they have already been exposed to more knowledge than previous generations, however; it is about what they do with the knowledge they receive.

At times, as a black mom it can become very discouraging when all you see on the news is negative images and depictions of black people. Children not even making it to 18, due to police brutality, gang violence and all sorts of heinous crimes. Although, we can’t always predict what lies ahead of us, it is a must that we educate our children on practices that will help them stay as safe as possible. Whether that is watching their environment or discussing protocol when approached by an irate officer. I know hearing that sounds hopeless. In many situations, it seems like black people are doomed when it comes to being in contact with an officer especially a black man. Yet, I still want to encourage my children that bad stories does not directly tie to them. Just because you saw a story of a black man being killed by an officer does not mean your life will end that way. I’m suiting up my children to be brilliant, resilient but never ignorant. Ignorant to the fact that bad things and people are out there, but also to never be ignorant to the fact that they are powerful beings made in their Creator’s image.

It is important to stop allowing our children to feel hopeless, live in fear and not aspire to be the success story, but instead the failed one. Subconsciously, showing our children so many negative images will program them to feel inferior and discouraged. We must reprogram our children to feel like despite their obstacles they can achieve. No that doesn’t mean ignore or not acknowledge that there are bad things going on around them. There are certainly horrible events happening every day. However, manifesting is powerful. We can manifest negativity by speaking, thinking and internalizing. I know that what you speak can come to past. What you think can come to past and words are curses. We must teach our children to speak life over their life, to indulge into the positive aspects of what life has to offer and to know their strengths.

Once our young black children are encouraged and feel confident in who they are and their abilities, they will be a force to be reckon with. Every day I show my children a success story. I teach them all of the famous African Americans who have invented creations that has made life easier for humanity. They learn about their ancestors who were brave and paved the way for them. We don’t focus on slavery movies that only show us as helpless slaves who could not make a difference. A difference was indeed made. My children will make changes and difference. My children will thrive and they will live out their divine purpose with awareness, but an ambitious mindset!

Tahnee Cole

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The Working Mom Chaos…

I recall a time I felt the entire pressure of being a working mom.

I felt judged. I was already late to the parent meeting. I know they heard my heels clicking as fast as they could down the hall. I got myself together, clutched my purse and controlled my breathing. I found a seat in the front. There were no chairs in the back that would save me the embarrassing feeling of being late.

Most of the moms were in sweats, so they may have just thought I was fashionably late. But no, my fancy ensemble was because I was a career mom. What they didn’t know is I had damn near killed myself to get to this meeting. I was on the highway screaming, “Move b—–, get out the way” In my best Ludacris impersonation.

I had made a promise to attend these meetings to show that I was more than concerned and all about my daughter’s progression and education. These meetings though were unrealistic to my schedule. Most of the meetings for working parents were unrealistic. I called my son’s dad to let him know that I was at Heaven’s school and that he could meet me in the parking lot to drop LJ off. He worked third shift and needed to get to work. The meeting was still going on and by now I had warmed up and was giving my input. The parents were actually enjoying what I was suggesting. Partly because they trusted my judgment. I just looked the part of a professional, so it wasn’t hard convincing people that I knew what was best. The meeting was getting good. Heaven was off to the side playing with her classmates.

Jeremey called and said he was outside with little Jay. I had to excuse myself and go get my baby. At the time LJ was about 5 months. When I came back of course people were ranting and raving about how adorable he was. Even mentioning that I didn’t even look like I had a baby that small, let alone 2. I was holding LJ and trying to still participate in the meeting. That was until he realized the breast he adored were concealed with a sweater that went all the way to my neck. Why the hell did I wear a damn turtleneck with this suit? I asked myself. He started tugging and twisting his body so that he could get to the milkies. I looked down at his baby bag to see if there was a bottle, but no. I looked down and his face looked distressed and then came that cry.

If give me the damn milk was a person, Jeremey was him. I gave in to avoid the cry. A little breast never hurt anyone. I was sure they had all seen one before. I discreetly lifted up my shirt, stuck LJ in and under my shirt. I then closed my blazer and went on taking. LJ didn’t like the blazer so he took it off his head and made sure my breast was exposed. Then he had the nerve to look at me. By this time I was like F— it. I was exhausted. I just fed him and finished the meeting. When the meeting was over, I had to gather his car seat, baby bag and my purse. I had to bargain and beg with Heaven to stop playing with her friends so that we could go home. I held her hand, carried LJ in his car seat and walked across the long parking lot. Feeling exhausted from work and parent life this day, I knew it would be some challenging days ahead of us.

Tahnee Cole

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The Pandemic and Corporate America Working Parents

It was nothing new to me. Being a working mom can be rough. I’m always making adjustments. When the babysitter couldn’t make it to watch Jr, I had to adjust. When Heaven had early days out of school or snow days, major adjustments. There was usually always some weekly or monthly inconvenience for me. Now the whole world was making an adjustment.

Ironically, just before the Pandemic hit my department had just discussed the new rules for remote working. They were allowing us to work from home more often, little did they know Covid would be forcing us to work remote a lot more than they anticipated. My son was currently in his first year of preschool and Heaven had just started middle school.

Ironically, before this occurrence I was already thinking about summer camp plans. Plus, I knew soon Jr. would be starting kindergarten in the fall. So, I was already worried about how I would arrange my schedule to pick up and drop off both my kids, to and from school. It seems like as a mom, you are constantly thinking ahead. No days off, even in your head.

But when Covid hit, it hit different. Large companies were requiring workers to stay home and if permitted to work from home. The pandemic had forced many corporate companies to be flexible . Or should I say, allow their workers to be flexible. It was now the CEO that had no place to send their children. They were suddenly like the lower level workers. It was a must to let working parents have flexibility.

Covid, had no discrimination and for once, we all felt helpless. It is very unfortunate that it takes major events to realize that working parents need flexibility. This may have been new to many, but working parents go through struggles often with balancing family and career life. Especially, workers who are not paid top dollar or have a spouse that can stay home and tend to the children. Many parents need remote working options and more flexible schedules. This flexibility should continue regardless of Covid dying down. Despite the fact that we have a vaccine created to help us manage to coincide with this nasty virus, our need for balance is still the same. Human Resources should still make sure there are policies in place that will help working parents have schedules that are conducive to family life.

Overworked and stressed parents do not work efficiently and effectively. Yes, working from home is not the easiest while children are at home or doing virtual lessons. However, think about the convenience and flexibility when children are able to go back to school. There will be less PTO used for snow days if parents can stay home, and work when weather conditions prove to be too hazardous to commute. Think of the parents who can use their flexibility to provide their children transportation to and from school. Or get a chance to make sure they are on and off the buses and home safe. Think about the parents who will be able to attend after school programs, teacher conferences, etc. Flexibility is a must and the pandemic showed us that.

Although, there were many parents who worked in industries that could not work from home, there are many parents who had the opportunity. Many of those parents admitted that even though remote working had it’s difficulties, there were many perks. Covid created a lot of chaos, but helped put into perspective how we have been living our daily lives.

Tahnee Cole

The Mommy Motivator!

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Too Sexy for work. Are black women criticized more?

“Girl they told me to go home and change my shirt. And I could possibly get written up for having to leave. I don’t get it, the other girls wear shirts just like this, but nobody says anything.”

I was packing my lunch and trying to get Apollo settled as I listened to my friend complain. See Alana is built like a stallion. About 5’8 and curves like a back road. Blessed with long athletic legs, big melons for breast and a gorgeous face to match. She can’t hide in a crowd if she tried. It seemed like no matter what she wore it was an issue. Unfortunately, since she is blessed with this body, she can’t hide it. It doesn’t matter what she wears. Her body is going to stand out.

I listened before I agreed that I thought she was being centered out. She was the only black woman in her department. The other women wore mini skirts and low cut tops, but for some reason they were never called out about their appearance. The chaos about clothing always got started when Alana showed up. I asked Alana to send me a picture of her in her top.

Hmmm, it looked regular to me. No cleavage. No tatts. Just perky double d’s in a blouse. She couldn’t help that. No sweater would hide it.

Alana is not the only black woman I know who has gone through this type of treatment. I myself have been victim of discrimination and nitpicking for my clothing. Especially, when I was younger and always turning heads. It was as if I was penalized if a man stared too long, or if I received compliments. I noticed a bunch of struggles when I worked with the public. Plus, I had the bubbly personality to match.

I do believe that you should be mindful and dress appropriately for work. No super low cut tops or skirts up your butt . But a form fitting dress, paired with a blazer on a black woman is still seen as sexy. It seems at times that no matter what we wear, it does not fit the professional standards.

I know how it was. Being a woman who wanted to add some sassiness to a business suit. I totally understood Alana. Although, I don’t have as many curves as Alana. Being a petite woman I have an ample backside. So my pencil skirts stand out and eyes will notice. Comments will be made and oh the shade…

As I sit around with my female friends with rich melanin, we compare corporate notes and it is amazing the stories. If not discrimination for our hair, it is our curves. Then it is how we talk. It is our swag. It forces so many women to try to conform to an image that is not authentic. It forces women of color to try to dim their light in order to blend in. Knowing damn well, we cannot blend in.

Fortunately, I have not personally experienced this in the current corporation that I am employed. Because honestly if I did, I would be looking elsewhere. I suggest that to any woman of color or woman period who feels that they can no longer be themselves. It is one thing to be conservative and to be mindful of your image. It is another to have to be played down and treated unfairly, because of your unique and God-blessed beauty.

-Tahnee Cole

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Saving Money… DIY

I got up at 5:30 am. I took Apollo outside and then I had a craving for a frozen coffee at Dunkin. Oh, what I wouldn’t do for a frozen coffee. The memory of it made my mouth water. It soothed my tired soul and cheered me up. I felt like a prisoner to a new addiction. How did I even get this started? I was very disciplined at one point when it came to any caffeinated drink. I was that mom who did not drink caffeine while pregnant or breastfeeding. Now, I was suddenly depending on this drink to start my morning. And even though the drink is not super expensive, weekly trips add up. As I was working on my budget, I thought it would be funny to check my account and add up all the frozen coffees I had for a month.

65 dollars I said? Naw, this can’t be right. I went back and counted again. Yep, I was spending 65 dollars on coffee a month. And even though it is not much, compared to my salary, it was 65 dollars I could be saving.

Perhaps, I could make my own. Sure, it wouldn’t be like Dunkin, but it would be a great substitute. Plus, I would be saving money. I googled frozen coffee recipes and coffee smoothies. To my surprise I had all the ingredients in the kitchen. Coffee, ice cream, milk (almond milk), ice cubes and a mug. I put a table spoon of coffee, poured in a half cup of milk, two small scoops or ice cream and added a few pieces of ice. The texture looked very similar to what I had ordered at Dunkin.

Yeah right. I bet it will taste like crap, I thought before pouring the mixture in my mug.

I decided to put it in the freezer for a minute. I ran to the store and picked up a bottle of whipped cream. When I got back the mixture was a little frozen. I smiled because it looked so much like the little drink I ordered daily. I put the whipped cream on top and took a swig.

Wow, this was good. It tasted just like the drink I had been obsessing over. Hell, it might even taste better. I looked at the drink and remembered that I had plenty of ingredients left to make this treat daily. That would be 65 dollars I would be saving this month.

The moral of the story is: DIY. When you are saving for a goal, look up ways to do things yourself. You might just be pleased with the results. And if you get a chance, try this drink, its good!

-Tahnee Cole

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What I did when I was laid off…

If you have been following me for awhile, then you will know about my story in 2017.

I got laid off in April, 2017.

Yes, two kids, single and I was back hitting the ratchet streets of job search avenue. In the beginning,

I felt scared. Scared to start over and start something new. Then I felt relieved…

Honestly, I had grew tired and stressed at the corporation where I worked. I was at the point in life where I didn’t really fit in. Having a second child had added to my discomfort. Not uncomfortable as a mom, but as a career woman. Being set free had created fear and relief at the same time.

During my time off, I had great pleasure in being able to spend more time with my kids. At the time, my daughter was 9 and my son was almost 2. That year gave me extra time with them and I soaked up every moment.

Then I felt pressured to find something new and solid. I had responsibilities, a home, a car, growing children and we needed medical care. So as you can see, being laid off can bring on a ton of emotions. I am in no way saying it will be easy at all. Especially, depending on your financial situation. I was lucky enough that I had a severance cushion, unemployment and a decent savings account. Some people are not as lucky, but I want to share with you some things you can do to help sustain your well-being. Especially, since many people have experienced lay-offs during the pandemic. Take a look at some of my tips below.

10 things to do when laid off…

  1. Seek a mentor– I met my mentor during my layoff and she gave me a pep talk. Not only did she talk me into returning to Corporate America, but to also create a solid business plan before I exited stage left. She also encouraged me to put a portion of my severance pay in an emergency fund. A mentor is there to encourage you, but also to give you tough love and solid advice. We have to seek counsel outside of our own thoughts. This is the time you need to seek help to make well thought out decisions.
  2. Update Resume- My resume went from basic chick to Rockstar. I made sure that I emphasized everything I had accomplished and contributed the last five years. It was no time to be modest. No more listing basic job functions, my resume set me apart. Straight, to the point and highlighting your strengths is what your updated resume should look like. Make sure to get someone to help or research ways to improve your resume.
  3. Attend job workshops– I attended a job workshop that not only helped with interviewing and resume writing. It also sent me direct job leads. Look for workshops that will help you improve your job skills and connect you to valuable resources.
  4. network– Now is not the time to be shy. LinkedIn, word of mouth, email, reach out to recruiters, etc. Its time to put yourself out there and connect with people who will help you achieve your professional goals. Networking can put you in places that sending just your resume online cannot. Get out there and get social.
  5. create a business or hOBBy– This is the time to go ahead and launch your idea or business. Not only is it a way to bring in money, but you have more time. Many people develop businesses during times that seem inopportune. Also, a new hobby could help activate your mind and hinder your job loss depression.
  6. spend time with family– In 2017, I spent so much time with my children. We spent time going to events. Being laid off is no fun and can be stressful. But as a mom, you want to make the best out or any situation. Don’t waste years and moments being depressed. Try to find joy in capturing moments with the kids.
  7. load up on positive self careAffirmations, vision board events and self care practices will help your cope with job loss. This is the time that you need to take extra care of your mind, body and soul. That your chances of into depression and develop anxiety is lessened.
  8. Take classes– If you can go back to school or take classes, take advantage. I took free PowerPoint classes at the library to sharpen my skills. I even enrolled in some free exercising classes. I know some moms who have finished degrees during times of being laid off. Anything is possible.
  9. Save money and downsize– Even if you received a huge severance pay, not is not the time to overspend. It is time to save, invest and watch your spending. If you can downsize where you live or move in with a family member, do it. There is no sense trying to stress yourself when you have the option to reduce some heavier burdens,
  10. Apply for the career you desire– Now is the time to go after what you truly want. Apply to the company you desired to work for. You were set free to go to the next level. Learn about your desire career, make connections and then go for it.

I used all of these tips, and before I knew it I was working for a better corporation. I hope these tips will help you. Please share any tips that I have missed. Thanks for reading!

Tahnee Cole

The Mommy Motivator

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Teaching young ones to read…

Both of my parents worked at the Cleveland Public Library. That is how they met and after marriage a legend was born, (ME) LOL. My dad went on to work there and retire. So, I grew up extremely involved in the library and I grew a passion to read and write. It was also very important for my kids to learn how to read. Unfortunately, since the pandemic, we have not been able to go to the library. We are use to going to the library at least 2 to 3 times a week. I have a kindergartener who is still learning to read. He has an awesome vocabulary, writes legibly, but is in the process of learning to read.

Career moms, please don’t feel guilty. It is hard to work and put the extra time in with the kids. Especially, the consistency needed to help your child with a fundamental part of their growth. Reading is one of the most important things we all have to learn. I often wonder, if you can’t read, how will your survive? If you are a busy mom like me, I provided a few tips that I am using to help my littlest read. It worked wonders for my daughter, who currently reads on a college level. So, here we are again. Remember to develop some routines. Plus, stay consistent, patient and positive.

5 TIPS

  1. Read Daily– Kids learn by routine. Our reading time is usually at night when it is time to settle for bed. Nighttime stories are great for bonding. Sometimes we cuddle with snacks and knock out four books. When you make reading time enjoyable, kids want to do it often.
  2. Sight words- I use flashcards daily with Jr. Seeing the same words over and over helps to stay in his memory. Repetition is the quickest way to retain information. As we read books, Jr. is able to pick out the sight words. The more words he learns, the more sentences he can complete while reading.
  3. Reading programs– Jr.’s dad enrolled him in a phonics reading program. I definitely saw some results. Look up some online programs. It may take a little time to find free or low cost programs, but it is definitely worth the time and effort. If you don’t mind spending an extra buck try enrolling your child in a reading program. Most reading programs are successful at using techniques that can help encourage your child to read more.
  4. Older Siblings– Younger kids learn quick from their older siblings. They want to keep up. I remember watching my daughter show my son how to write his name. She used dots and it worked like magic. Before I knew it, he was writing his name without any assistance. The older siblings know tips and tricks. Most siblings love being involved. So don’t be afraid to ask for their help.
  5. Talk to your kids– It sounds weird, but children who are talked to are proven to have a more extensive vocabulary. I have never talked “baby talk” to my kids. As a result, they are little chatter boxes. My son uses very large words, that you would rarely hear from a five year old. Talking to them also helps with them picking up words and phrases. As well as, understanding sentence structure, which is all apart of reading.

I hope that you enjoyed my list, and can use this for your young readers. Remember, once the kids learn to read that it doesn’t just stop there. Encourage your children to always read and build their vocabulary. As they get older, we just have to motivate and encourage them in more creative ways.

Tahnee Cole

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I did not stress about Thanksgiving. I will not stress about Christmas.

I refuse to stress myself, especially with all that I have been through this year. Holidays are supposed to be for enjoyment. You should not be stressed. Holidays are mainly meant for reflection, cheer, family and memories. With the pandemic taking lives, bringing changes to routine and the economy. The primary focus should be the value of life. The pandemic has forced me to focus on what really matters and to take nothing for granted. What matters most to me is family and memories.

I made sure that when it came to Thanksgiving I did not stress. The same will take place for Christmas. If you celebrate those holidays then you know that they can become stressful. You got to make sure that the food and the gifts are perfect It is as if, we are constantly in a competition with the last year. With Covid knocking everyone down a tad bit, we need to put our focus on things that will not make us stress. The memories I make with my kids are so important to me. The simplest memories by far always mean the most. Today, I want to share with you five tips on how I make sure I do not stress during the holidays.

5 TIPS ON STRESS FREE HOLIDAYS!

  1. We gon’ eat Yeah, straight like that. That means, I am not stressing over food. I am not spending long hours in the kitchen because I cook everyday, all day. The cooking has increased even more since my kids are mostly homeschooling. People spend Thanksgiving stressing about food and it can truly take away from the meaning of the Holiday. My kids ate and we are blessed to have food, but I am not going to go crazy trying to be a chef. Nor do I expect anyone else stressing themselves out. My mom and I worked out Thanksgiving together, but we did not make a big thing out of it. It was more like a traditional Sunday dinner. Keep it simple, keep it cute!
  2. I help others– Giving back always keeps you grounded and makes you remember the true meaning of the Holidays. There is nothing more real than seeing people struggle with real life. Meanwhile, your spoiled ass is complaining about what you want to eat. There are people who do not have a choice and we are complaining over choices. In order to keep yourself grounded, we must always put ourselves in a position to help others. Give old coats or buy a coat and donate it to a coat drive. Donate toys to a shelter. Help prepare food for a food bank. Do something to make you remember what life is about. Count your blessings.
  3. We make memories and create new traditions– Covid has made many of us more creative. Many places we love to go to is now closed. Plus, we just don’t feel comfortable going to places we use to, because we don’t want to put ourselves at risk of catching Covid. The holidays is for creating new memories and traditions. Being creative will make your creative memories that can last a lifetime and become regular traditions. Make some holiday treats, crafts, decorate the house or come up with a totally unique way to celebrate.
  4. I am buying meaningful gifts– Some people just want to have 800 boxes wrapped under the tree . It makes your look rich right? Now you are broke because you bought six hundred toys for your kids. Meanwhile, they can’t even fit in your home. Plus, they will collect dust because they don’t even play with them. Too many to catch their attention. Stop that now! You are stressed because you are living above your means. A bunch of gifts do not equate to love or wealth. Some of the most wealthy people buy their family bathrobes, meanwhile the broke people are buying Gucci socks! Honestly, the older I get, the more meaningful my gift-giving.
  5. I Don’t do, what I don’t want to do– Parties and events can stress you. Even before Covid I had this mentality. If I don’t want to go somewhere I kindly decline the invite. There are still some people having events despite Covid and if you don’t feel comfortable, don’t go. Explain to them your concerns and if they don’t understand, peace! When you feel stressed about doing things you don’t want, it takes away the joy from the holiday. I say do what makes you feel good. Even family events, don’t feel compelled to go in environments that steal your peace.

I hope that you can use some of these tips to make your life more enjoyable. Share some tips that you use with me. I would love to hear traditions, tips or even holiday horror stories, LOL. Thanks for reading!

Tahnee Cole

Career Mom Motivator!

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After Work… Unwind

My music selection was Toni Braxton. Matter of fact, it was her latest featuring HER called “Gotta Move On”. How befitting to how I felt. I had cut off a man who I was on the verge of being in love with last week. He was an emotional liability. To be all the way honest, I am emotionally handicap. I can’t feel the way I use to. Nor, can I contain another persons insecurities while trying to reach my goals, survive during this pandemic and raise solid successful kids.

I needed a spiritual and physical detox.

I had my phone on low. Since my kids were away I couldn’t put it on do not disturb. I laid back in the tub and let the bubbles touch my ears. Candles lit, darkness and wine.

Just me, myself and I.

I had hit 35 and refused to settle for less. Inadequate relationships whether platonic or romantic, was a hell no for me. Hell, I wasn’t even eating anything that wasn’t bring me satisfaction. My expectations were high and I wasn’t letting that shit change for anything.

As I set back I thought, damn, I need to do this more often.

It felt good to relax. Of course my phone ranged. I glanced to make sure it wasn’t important. it wasn’t. I closed my eyes and drifted into relaxation again.

On most days I was moving around. Cooking and cleaning like a slave. Trying to make sure the house was blogger mom perfect. It felt damn good to unwind. I deserved it. I needed it. My mind, body and soul had been craving it. Why was it so difficult to put myself first? Why had I got to a point where I felt guilty about doing for me? Why was I so damn concerned about everyone’s needs, but my own? When it came to fulfilling my needs, I was hesitant.

All of these thoughts in the tub. To some people a simple bath is just a bath. To me it was as sacred as a baptism. The Most High provided us with water. Water is the most powerful force on earth. Being immersed in this water was providing me major healing. It was revealing to me how dehydrated I was. Not in a sense that my thirst was quenched. But that my physical body needed to unwind. To release. To replenish. To be fulfilled.

The need to unwind after work was definitely needed…

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5 TIPS TO HELP CAREER MOMS TO SUCCEED

So, I know I joke on my social media platforms about my go to when surviving motherhood: wine. But wait, in all seriousness, there is so much more. Mom life will make you go through many trial and error lessons before you finally find a groove. Even then, situations are subject to change and then you will have to adjust accordingly. For instance, this pandemic. It had caused me to abandon some of my old routines and create a new set of systems.

Well, today I selected a few basic tips that should help you regardless of your routine changes. They are a basic set of principles that should help you manage #mommyhood and be successful.

A Solid Self Care Plan

Eating healthier, exercise, some type of mental and spiritual stimulation and spending time recharging. Your choice, your way.

 

love romantic bath candlelight
Photo by Breakingpic on Pexels.com

Flexibility In Your Career 

Your employer or you (if you are your own boss) needs to understand that work life balance is mandatory and your family is priority. In order to effectively work, you need peace of mind when it comes to knowing your family is well cared for. A solid mind is more productive, that’s a win, win.
woman in white long sleeve shirt and overalls
Photo by Ogo on Pexels.com

Quality Childcare

 That is school. After and before school. Summer camp, even extra-curricular activities. While your children are out of your presence, you should be at ease that they are being cared for.
closeup photo of assorted color alphabets
Photo by Magda Ehlers on Pexels.com

Money Management

Career moms make money, but need to still make sure that their finances are in order. Due to busy schedules it may be harder to keep track of finances, but budgets and money managing professionals can be useful for career moms to maintain stability and meet financial goals.
bank notes bills cash currency
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

A Solid Schedule/ Planner/Organizer

A career moms schedule can get super busy. So we need career moms to get their schedule in order. Once you have created a solid schedule. You are in control of your time and time management is a key to success!!!
personal organizer and pink flowers on desk
Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

As always remember that you are doing a great job. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Make adjustments and keep pushing!

Tahnee Cole

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Fall Family Updates

Hey Fam,

It has been a minute. I can’t lie I have been so occupied. I have been working, assisting my children with virtual learning, dog training and trying to maintain some type of social life. I hope you all have been well. I wanted to take some time out today to give you some updates on our family.

First, me, well I am doing pretty well. As I type, I am recuperating from a migraine. It was so awful that I took the day off. I think it was triggered by this change in weather. It is October and cold in Cleveland. Which isn’t unusual, because honestly Cleveland weather can go from 0 to 100 real quick. I have been doing some meditating, focusing on finances and working on crushing some big goals. I put a major goal to the side so that I can manifest exactly what I want. I been trying to focus on some health goals and personal self development.

Jr. has started going to half day in person school. It was a tough decision for me. I am still very concerned about Covid and not sure if I will send him during Flu season. However, I do agree that the smaller children need more in person, hands on learning. They need someone to help them and be more attentive to their questions. I can’t do a great job at that while I am working. I did my best, but trying to facilitate meetings and attend a school Zoom call has been challenging. I am still going through major challenges on Friday, because Jr. has Zoom lessons since in person school is only Monday -Thursday. He is enjoying school and only struggles with getting up on time. Other than that he is doing super in school, receiving high scores on his test and making new friends (from a distance, LOL). I’m super proud of my big boy!

The kids are not the only one in school. Yes, our little puppy Mr. Apollo has started obedience training. I am so excited about this because Apollo has been a little rumbustious. I love him dearly, but trips to the park and the Vet had been a nightmare. I love that Apollo has great energy and protective over our family, but I want him to know when and where his behavior is appropriate. He started his first class this past Saturday and will be attending class twice a week for 5 week sessions. The class is pricey, but I think it is totally worth it.

Sidenote: Apollo did great during his first class too. I’m a proud Fur Mom!

Last, but not least my baby girl Heaven. Heaven will be a teenager very soon and has been struggling a little in school. Virtual learning is tough and I had to remind Heaven to take notes. She is very smart, but she didn’t think taking notes was important. I explained the importance of her taking notes so that she will remember her teachers lecture. I also told her to help save all of her assignments on her laptop in folders. So we sat down and created folders for all of her classes to keep her desktop neat and organized. Learning by computer is a total transition, but I wanted my baby girl to know that I am here to help her succeed along the way. I am confident that if she follows my lead she will definitely succeed. I’m still super proud of my daughter for doing her best during this transition.

Overall, my little family is doing pretty well. We are enjoying our favorite season together. Very soon we will be making some of our favorite fall recipes and I will probably post them on the blog. I hope you and your family are staying healthy and happy.

Love, Tahnee Cole

“The Mommy Motivator”

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10 Questions answered by the Creator!

Hey it’s Tahnee Cole. Let’s keep it fun today. I want to share answers to a few questions I have got over the years. Enjoy!!

  1. One word to describe motherhood?  Courage. 

  2. The last piece advice you gave a mom?  Be prepared to be flexible, but stand your ground.

  3.  Favorite thing to do with your kids? Picnic , anything that Involves eating and water. We love to eat and watch water.  Our new home will definitely have a huge pool.

  4. When they ask who the Favorite kid is?  I tell them they get on my nerves equally.

  5. Dream Job? Famous Writer.

  6. Do you want to get married or be in a relationship again?  Ummm, I aspire to always be content. If it cost my happiness I don’t want it.

  7. Favorite mom influencer? Dayna Bolden

  8. Hidden talent? Not really hidden but I play piano.

  9. Favorite meal? Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, corn, green beans and cornbread.

  10. Who inspires you? I inspire myself but outside of me, my babies & my parents.

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Do you Co-Parent with a Toxic Mom or Dad?

It’s unfortunate that coparenting is not always a happy time, regardless of the effort you put in. It is also very unfortunate that the mental well-being of a child can be severely impacted  when there is a parent or parents that refuses to work cooperatively because of bitterness, animosity or simply just personal issues. The court systems can’t always pinpoint mental imbalances such as borderline personality  disorder or narcissism. Which leaves children placed in circumstances that cause emotional trauma. Mom or dad may not look harmful on paper because of no criminal history, but mentally they are not always fit.

We all know mental deficiencies are harmful as well. The toxicity of a parent can be just as harmful as an absent parent, if not worse. Those parents spend time putting the child down to hurt the parent. Using the child as a way to gain power over the other parent. Unnecessary competition. Using miscommunication to keep distance between the child and other parent. Using new spouses as a way to create scenarios of jealousy. The unfortunate part is so many narcissistic and toxic parents behave as if they have done nothing wrong.  They refuse to acknowledge their behaviors. Most of them grew up with dysfunctional relationships with their parents so they are incapable of having a normal healthy one with their own children.

There are 3 things you must do. First, before you do those things remember that you are not crazy. Abusers, whether physically or mentally will always say you are overreacting or that there is something wrong with you. Ignore that!

1. The best thing to do when coparenting with a toxic person is to set your expectations realistically. Yes, normally coparenting with a normal parent will be better and better if the effort is put in on both sides. However, with a parent who refuses or has the mental inability to cooperate, there will rarely be compromise. Unless the compromise benefits them. Usually their main goal is to despite you. They don’t look at the benefit of the child it is all about them. Their mission is to destroy you publicly and how you view yourself because they think so low about their own self.

2. Secondly, focus on you. You will look crazy arguing with them because they will always try to twist your words or make simple requests into something bigger. Toxic parents are bitter beings who need help. You have to pray that they get the help they need, but focus on your parenting. Do not stress yourself arguing with them because it’s a no win.

3. Lastly, sit down and help to de-stress your child. Children will more than likely be stressed, confused or even hostile when they come back from parents that spew negative vibes. Allow your children to understand that they did nothing wrong. Let them vent any frustrations, but encourage them to keep being happy and doing the best that they can. Don’t talk down the parent. Encourage your child to see the good traits in their parent and set out prayer intentions for their relationship to strengthen and evolve. Good luck!!!

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Virtual Learning vs Career Mom

I’m sitting in this Zoom meeting under the covers. For a minute the covers felt like an escape, as if they were sheltering me from something. I could hear my kids voices raising again and Apollo barking at the neighbors outside. I was going to yell and say for the hundredth time I was in a meeting but, f*ck it. The phone is on mute and the camera is shut off. I had nothing to say anyway. I was all out of words. My days were filled with words. Either at a Skype meeting for work, or instructing kids all day. Life had totally changed. I’m not going to say I am angry at the change, I’m just exhausted.

I scrolled down the call to see if  JR’s father had joined the call, just in case I dozed off he could fill me in. Once I saw his name, I felt a sigh of relief. I had trouble focusing the whole day. My mind had been on new opportunities at work, grad school, this entanglement I was involved in and finally this whole adjustment to virtual learning. My mind was so full that I had a minor migraine kicking in. I rested my eyes so that I could ease the anxiety and prevent myself from scrolling on some social media network.

I had to let go a little. I wanted to look at the meeting from a bubble bath, but I had a phobia that my camera would mysteriously turn on. Suddenly boobs and booty all on the camera. That didn’t seem like a great way to meet my kids teachers, especially being a new parent and all.

I poured a glass of wine and closed my eyes again, but I was slightly startled when I heard the Director of the school speak loudly in the phone. She was about to give us information on how we were to adjust to this virtual learning. Prepping parents to step up to the plate and make sure we got our children on board to be motivated. We were to help our children learn like normal. To act as if they are in class, even though they would be at home looking at their Chromebook screens. We had to establish routines, normalcy.

Meanwhile, I was taking the information in,  but thinking look lady I love this talk about preparation, I am all for it. I thought I was the Queen of prepared, but honestly these days I am just trying to make it through the day. I can’t say that I am scared or upset about the virtual leaning, but I have my concerns. This new way of life is very hard on parents of all walks of life, but being a career mom, my whole life has shifted.

On one hand, it is awesome. I get to spend more time with my kids and save money. This transition allows me to be more hands on with their learning experience. However, at the same time, breaks are far few in between. Due to the virus, most fieldtrips (which help with changing the scenery) are out of the question.   The kids have many days that they are unfocused and I have a ton of work. It is hard to focus between the kids and the my workload, so I end up working longer hours. Don’t forget that our employers still expect the same quality of work performance regardless of the situation. Plus, I have a major issue with separating work and life balance as is, but now…

I guess at this point, there is nothing to it but to do it…

I’ll keep you posted.

~Tahnee Cole

 

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SELF CARE IS… Not Blaming Yourself For Your Child’s Growing Pains.

Parenting is hard. Not only do you experiences changes in yourself, but you also have to deal with the changes within your children. One minute they are babies hanging on you boob, the next they are preteens going through puberty, acne, and those dreaded mood swings.

Self care is protecting your energy. We never think about protecting our energy when it comes to our children. Why? Because we think that we first and foremost have to protect them. That is true. However, that does not mean we are supposed to be their punching bag when they are stressed and going through changes. We are allowed to go away and protect ourselves from stress. It is not our fault.

We neglect our self care when we overcompensate or dwell on why our children are upset. Simply because we are blaming ourselves for situations beyond our control. Your child’s growing pains and the decisions they make, do not directly reflect the quality of your parenting.

We think of our children as a direct reflection of us, good or bad. That is not always true. Think about great parents who still raised serial killers. Were all of those parents horrible? I don’t think so. I will say that parents who do not show enough self care and compassion for themselves could possibly raise stressed out children turned adults. Just like parents who are workaholics may raise children who do not know how to put work down, go on vacation and enjoy life when they get older. On the flipside workaholics may even raise lazy kids who turn into adults who despise working.

A lack of self care can make you a bit of a maniac. And the examples we set can have major impact on our children’s perspectives and actions. Yet, being overly concerned for everything your child does to the point of exhaustion is no good for anyone. It is ok to be concerned, talk to your children, do your best to assist them in any trial they are facing. However, do not make it your fault!

Tahnee Cole

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Helping My Kids Cope With Changes

Some days I obsess about how I am going to work through my work at home days. But lately, I have taken a moment to think about my kids and what they are going through. It was all fun in the beginning, staying home and not going to school. Summer breaks are fun and kids look forward to not having homework assignments. Yet, at some point they miss their teachers, their friends and their routine. As a busy mom, I had to take a second and talk to my children about these changes.

I want to help them cope even if they were not verbally letting me know…

Some days they communicated with their body language. Some days I could see the fear in their eyes that things were changing and not for the better.

Would they be stuck in the house forever?

Especially, my five year old. He will be starting his first year of school and it will not be a normal year. I have been looking forward to sending him off to Kindergarten, but unfortunately life is not the same. We are not even sure if he will be attending school or just doing virtual learning as of now. It seems that I will be opting for the virtual option.

Through this challenging time here are a few of tips I use to help my kids cope with the changes. They might help you and your family!

1.Talk it out– Talk to your children about what’s going on. Explain to them the dangers and the precautious. Even explain to them why you are deciding on virtual learning if you are selecting that option. Let them express how they feel. This is the time to put all concerns, frustrations and suggestions together to help the school year go as smooth as possible.

2. Try to keep it normal as possible- I am still buying my kids new backpacks and school supplies, regardless. Kids gets excited about new school supplies, backpacks and lunch boxes. Even if they stay home and learn virtually I still want to provide normality.

3. Let them know that it is ok to feel disappointed- We sometimes get upset with our kids when they get disappointed. Especially, when it directly relates to something out of our control. Why? Because we feel helpless. We don’t want to disappoint our kids, but we have to allow them to be upset. We have to show them coping methods to help them get through this.  This a battle that they have to deal with and life itself will have many obstacles, and they need to learn how to deal with disappointments. They also have to learn to adapt to change. Allowing them to feel will help them heal.

4. Stay connected- Let your kids Facetime their friends and teachers. Allow them to interact with people on the daily so they won’t feel isolated. It is scary to interact in person  because of the risk, but it is ok to find creative ways to keep your kids interacting with friends and family!

5. Keep it fun- Look up creative projects and plans, share them with your kids to keep them motivated about the school year. My latest project is to create a media center in my home, specifically for my children to work through their virtually learning. I will be showing that to you in the Fall!

I hope all parents are confident in whatever decision they make for educating their kids.  I wish you and your babies safety and many blessings for this school year!

Tahnee Cole

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“Shit, we’ve been social distancing.” -Career Moms

It’s nothing new to me. I mean at one point I was getting together with one of my best college buddies for cocktails. Happy hour was the best thing to do, but that was after making arrangements for who would pick up or watch the kids, trying to sneak in quickies and getting stuck at work to finish up one last project. Then sometimes canceling and having to reschedule.

“Can you meet me at The Cheesecake Factory?” Those words were like,  “you’ve just won a millions dollars”!!  I mean let me not exaggerate, but getting together with my adult friends is so necessary. My other professional mom friends especially. They feel me. They understand when I have to cancel at the last minute and they understand me when I cry during our tipsy girls night out. They get my exhaustion. They relate to the love I have for my family and my babies, but they also understand when I am f*cking tired.

I absolutely love being a mom, but I am human. There are times that I just want to be free. No meals on heels. No teaching. No referee moments. Just me sliding down a pole with my girls, drinking mimosas and being plain little me,Tahnee. The balance of still feeling like me is everything. No demand from work or home. That is the value of having a social life.

However, most moms don’t even know what that is. The strong roles of mom and career life makes it hard to see where personal and professional life begins and ends.

I was making it a habit to create a social life for 2020. It was my goal. Then the Coronavirus showed up like, “nah, heffa”!

 This pandemic has made something that was already damn near unachievable, a distant dream. The fear of never being able to be around your friends,  but to also be comfortable around them. I thought about my best friend who is a nurse. Would I go in to hug her like I usually do?  

Unfortunately, many moms are already distant from their social life. They have traded their wild nights for housework. The majority of our days when trying to get out with our friends or significant others depends on: finding reliable babysitters and getting on a schedule that is conducive to both parties. We have side hustles, varying schedules and our kids activities. In other words, we are just busy. 

What are we doing now? Well, just recently I have learned to get creative. I’ve been spending some time with my friends on Zoom. Interacting on social media via LIVES. More phone conversations versus texting. I’m getting closer to my mom tribe via Instagram. We are sharing recipes and DIYS to improve our homes. We are drinking Mimosas over Zoom and learning new skills like, gardening.

And as far as dating, Netflix and chill has gone to a whole different level, but it’s acceptable now.

Tahnee Cole

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Preteen Fashion?

Yes, I am also a girl mom and honey, when I say I struggle with finding my baby girl summer clothes, that is an understatement.

I usually end up buying her a bunch of summer dresses, joggers, and biker leggings to wear under long tank tops.

Her style is still girly and cute, she isn’t looking for Cardi B type clothing. We love Cardi B over here, but Heaven is 12.

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However, I feel as though shorts and tops now are so short. We basically shop everywhere and my go to stores are Childrens Place  and Justice .

Yet, it seems like whenever I am looking for shorts and cute summer tops, they are all not aged appropriate. The shorts are too short and the tops are way to cropped. The crop tops are cute, but I think they are a little too much for a twelve year old.

It is even harder as our girls gain more curves and it makes the outfits look even more revealing.

There was a shirt that Heaven wanted from Justice. I can tell by the look of it online that it will fit like a midriff, but it was super cute and bedazzled. I purchased it and we will have to see how it fits.

I figures to fix the belly being exposed too much, I will pair it with a cute matching tank top under.

I will update you when the shirt arrives.

Are you struggling with finding your preteen clothing or your children in general?

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Outfits from Children’s Place

With #mommyhood it is never a boring day!

Tahnee Cole

 

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7 things I learned being a WAHM (Work At Home Mom) + Homeschooling during the Pandemic

I’m not going to lie…

I have always felt that WAHM (work at home moms) and SAHM (stay at home moms), had it EASIER than moms who actually had to work outside of the home. Not easy, but EASIER.

Yes, there are definitely perks to not having to commute and being with your children all day. Especially, if you are a WAHM who is also homeschooling.

But I realized this is HARDT ( Yes, HARD with a T) LOL!

Let me tell you why I wrote this post. I am currently at home with my 12 year old (yes a preteen) , my preschooler and my puppy.  I am trying to create an accurate report for a conference call that I am facilitating. Not just a regular meeting, a meeting with Several Account Managers to discuss financial debt for a very high profile business. I manage a financial portfolio for 170 customers.

Meanwhile, I am telling my 4 year old son that he CANNOT have another popsicle ( it is his 4th one).

I am bargaining with him to be quiet, so I end up agreeing to buying him a PS5 (when it comes out). Just so he will sit down and work on his alphabets on his tablet quietly.

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I have to WORK.

I have to be PRODUCTIVE

&

I still have to MOM!!

Our puppy Apollo joins in the chaos by whimpering. He’s pissed that I had to lock him in his crate for a few minutes to calm him down from his mid morning zoomies. Plus, I am yelling at my 12 year old to get up so she will not miss her Zoom lessons (currently all learning is virtual).

Yes, we are in the middle of a Pandemic and quarantine life, but either way this WAHM life is challenging.  I had a conversation with a homeschool/wahm and she said it takes major trial and error to get into a groove.

Aside from this being flat out challenging there are 7 things I have learned:

I HAVE TO SET LIMITS…

I have to set a schedule to complete all of my work duties instead of spacing everything out throughout the entire day. Simply because homeschooling and taking care of kids requires me to take more breaks, more often. Most nights I find myself working until 11pm to make sure I finish everything I want to complete during the work day. However, I still need to maintain work/life balance. So it is a must I create limits and boundaries to separate when I work and log off.

I MAY NOT BE THE MORNING PERSON I THOUGHT I WAS…

My mind is clearer, thoughts are together and creativity is flowing late in the day. Either it is just more peaceful in my home during the evening or I actually work better later. I am not sure yet. I do know that I have always been an early bird, so I have believed that I am more productive during early hours. But honestly, I feel I am way more alert and productive from afternoon to late evenings. It makes me wonder if I would be better working a later shift.

I EAT MORE AND I AIN’T MAD ABOUT THAT…

At work, I am not getting up to go into the kitchen all day.  I rarely pack myself anything when I go into the office. Working at home, I have access to the kitchen and I find myself eating more snacks throughout the day. However, I have been sticking to healthier choices and they actually feed my brain and help me function better. WAHM life has probably packed a few pounds on me.

I HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MY KIDS THAT I HAVE A JOB TO DO…

Seeing mommy at home without her usual business attire has made my kids think we are on vacation. I have to remind them that yes I am at home, yes they can give me hugs and ask me questions, but at the same time they have to respect that I am working. They have to give me space to think and be quiet when I have meetings. I always give them a prep talk before conference calls. I also try to get things prepared so they don’t have to ask me many questions and I can focus. That means tablets powered up and loaded with activities.  Plus meals and snacks in reach.

PEOPLE ARE MORE FORGIVING THAN YOU THINK…

I thought people would be annoyed during a conference call/ video chat to see my 4 year old walk up and hand me something to open. But honestly, most people enjoy seeing the kids and encourage them to speak during the calls. I think people understand a lot more than you think they do. Many times we are harder on our situations that others are.

I”M NOT AS GOOD WITH MULTI-TASKING AS I THOUGHT

Trying to do everything at once puts me in a frenzy. It also makes me forget things that are important. Doing one thing at a time, while relying on my time management/ scheduling skills is the best way to tackle this new normal. Quality over quantity.

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I GOT TO BE A LITTLE MORE FORGIVING & RELAX…

I am learning to give myself and the kids grace. We are all dealing with a lot right now. Nothing is normal. So I let them have a cookie if they want, and I am ok about the house not looking perfect. Once, you realize that it is ok to just let things be and do your best, things will flow smoother.

I hope you enjoyed some of my learning lessons and can relate. As of now, stay healthy and safe.

XOXO

Tahnee COLE

 

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Stupid Sh*t People Say to Career Moms

A lot of people look at the career mom as a Super- heroine. A lot of people make me laugh with their misconceptions and small mindedness.

`Many women are working outside of the home nowadays and maintaining lucrative careers.

Women are breadwinners and for many that is admirable. Women of today are being praised for duality and viewed as strong, resilient and examples of leadership. Slogans like, The future is her… is an example of the evolution of women.  Many of the most successful women also hold the title, “MOM”!

 However, there is a latter, and we know that no good deed goes unpunished, and no decisions comes without judgement.

The truth is, WE career moms are still ridiculed and talked about by others often. We are always asked how we balance everything, as if there is a definitive answer.  As soon as my child misbehaves in school I am blamed for my career taking top precedence in my life versus being a mother. We are accused of being selfish women, who are more concerned with our professional and monetary success instead of the well-being of our children.

The suggested well-being is for all moms to stay home and nurture their children ideally until they are able to attend school.

While I am for the idea of nurturing and spending time with your kids, I am sure that all moms would not benefit their child or themselves with this arrangement. Truth is, some moms work best when they get time away from their children to take care or fulfill their dreams. Is that selfish? Well that’s a personal opinion…

But how productive and how happy will a mom be if she spends days with her kids while feeling like she is neglecting her dreams financially and personally? Many women who do this often resent their life and sadly their children. With resentment comes triggers that may even cause mental health issues.

I made this post because I have been told some stupid things when found out I am a career mom and I’m honestly sick of the ignorance.

Below are 5 of the most stupid things I have heard and my response to the comments and questions.

1. Don’t you miss your kids?

Five words come to mind when I get asked this question, “you gotta be freaking kidding me!”  That is certainly a milder version of what is actually in my head. Honestly, what kind of question is that? Me being the smart ass I am, I usually say things like, “Absolutely not.”  Why wouldn’t I miss my kids and asking me does not make me feel any better. I am sure I am not the only mom to hear this foolery.

2. If you could have a million dollars, would you stay at home with your kids?

First of all, being at work does not always equate the need for money All career moms are not just money motivated. It may just be a personal desire of the mother to have a career. However, there are many moms who are concerned with financial compensation so obviously that is why they are working. If we had a million dollars we all would probably be making different choices but seriously…

3. Do you feel like someone else is raising your kids?

Of all the questions and comments this ranks high with disrespect. How dare could you compare raising, to me involving necessary helpful partners to accompanying me with my children’s development. First of all, it takes a village to raise a child and whether you like it or not, other sources will be necessary in the proper development of your child. Your child will need other people besides you at some point. Other perspectives and expertise to help them grow and be more multi-dimensional.

4. Do you feel bad when you miss out on events?

My first thought is: What makes you think I am missing out on all the events? Obviously, as a working parent there will be things that I miss. Honestly, I try to make as many events that I can. Me not showing up to support my kids is extremely rare. But seriously, no parent wants to be asked a question like that because the answer is pretty evident.

5. Do you feel like your kids would benefit better from you staying home vs working?

This question used to bother me a lot because growing up with a stay at home mom I could obviously see the benefits in how I was nurtured. It made me feel like I was slighting and depriving my children from a enriched life. However, I am learning to stop comparing my childhood and circumstances to my children. I also believe that whatever is best for my children will present itself and become our reality as long as I am aligned with my purpose.

With that being said, I hope all career moms understand you are not alone. People will support you and others will judge you. Keep going, you got this mama!

Tahnee Cole

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A Preteen, A Preschooler, A Puppy & A Pandemic

“Have a kid” they said…

“Get a puppy” they said…

I’m joking!  I love my little family, but I will say the family dynamic has changed since we added our little PUPPY Apollo to our clan. Yes, he is a great little addition. All sweet and cuddly, but he Demands ATTENTION! I forgot how much work goes into having a dog since we haven’t had a puppy since 2013. Honestly, I am enjoying him and it is helping me stay on track with morning exercise.

Right now we are all stuck inside because of the Coronavirus, but this is forcing me to make changes with my routine. I am focusing on bonding and what matters most.

Homeschooling while working from home is no joke. It is so easy to complain, but honestly I have so much to be thankful for. My children being able to stay home with me and having a career that can transition to work from home is more than a blessing.

I have a PRETEEN who is going through major life changes and I have realized that she needs me more than I thought. See sometimes as our children grow older we set them free a little. We don’t want to seem like we are smothering them and we encourage more independence.  We just watch them from the sideline. However, I have realized that my daughter needs me more now, and with the daily rush of being a career mom I have very little time to just focus on her.

Our days are moving fast and this PANDEMIC has made us all slow down a little. I was able to sit down with my daughter as I worked from home and before my son got up and we just talked and talked. We discussed everything that was going on in school.  I was able to listen and give feedback without judgement. We both felt really good and relieve afterwards. We even set some personal goals together.

Plus, I have a sweet little four year old PRESCHOOLER who has been adjusting to PRE-K life. Days before our official lockdown his favorite preschool teacher passed away. Which was a major loss for our family and his school community. Even though he is happy to be home with his family, he misses his friends. And he is concerned if he will even start kindergarten this year. Everything is uncertain right now, but what I am certain of is that with every storm is a rainbow and every bad time births a blessing.

SO HOW AM I MANAGING LIFE NOW?

I am taking it slow, doing what I can and putting love at the center of all my days.

 

-Tahnee Cole

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PEACE, LOVE & MOTHERHOOD

As I sit here and sip my tea, I think about what so many Mommy Bloggers contribute to my life. I am so inspired by this era of women. I am so proud of especially black moms, who are branching out and sharing their unique motherhood journey.

Whenever I go to THE MOM IN ME BLOG… https://www.themominmeblog.com/ I feel a sense of peace and connection to my higher self. I am not sure how I found Blogger Mom Princess, but honey she has blessed me!!! She is a wife, mom of 3 cuties, a planter, herbalist, yogi, business owner, and so much more. I got a chance to talk to her about how she incorporates PEACE into mom life. We know mom life can be chaotic.  So she spilled a little of her tea on how to enhance your motherhood journey and overall well-being.

PRINCESS SAID…

“Incorporating peace while juggling being a mom is not an easy task. Even I have days where I lose my shit, so I am most definitely not always in a peaceful mood.”

She explains that it starts from the moment you close your eyes for the night. This sets the tone for the following day. Sleep peacefully, wake up peacefully.

So not only is Princess concerned about the day, but also how she maintains her well-being the following day. Which is extremely important.

 

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“Meditation before bed is important to me. I actually fall asleep faster because of it. I often fall asleep before I even finish mediating. In the mornings, my routine consists of tea, meditation and yoga. And throughout the day, even if it’s just for 30 seconds, I meditate.”

 

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“Taking time to regroup and breathe is more important than people think. It only takes a few seconds to regroup. Those seconds make a huge difference. I took yoga in high school, and actually went to anger management (my high school had a health clinic inside, sponsored by the local hospital. They provide free services). That’s when it all began. I started meditating and doing yoga before I left for school. Then I’d do yoga at school. It was one of the classes offered for physical education. I had a lot of built up anger from childhood. I was angry ALL THE TIME, for NO REASON.”

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Blogger Mom Princess explains that at one point she actually got away from meditating and doing yoga. Life was too stressful for her to focus on it. She came back to it in 2013 and I’m glad she did. She has even created a bonus room upstairs in her home for her yoga space and a pole for fitness. So she is able to get away and have time for herself.  She jokes that she tells her husband Dwight that she is going upstairs and everyone knows not to bother her. Its another way for her to relieve stress and become one with nature.

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Some of her favorite hobbies are playing her guitar and writing poetry. I was interested to know this because I also have a love for writing poetry. Princess started writing poetry since 13 and often turned her poems into song.

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One of my biggest questions for Princess was how she represents healthy physical and mental well-being for her children and she said this…

“As far as my children when it comes to physical and mental health, I try my best to allow them to express themselves as they please. Of course with guided input from Dwight and I. But we don’t want them to do things just because it’s what we do. Freedom of expression is important for mental health. They like to join me during yoga sessions. They like helping in the garden. So I try to encourage them when I see they are interested. Make it fun and it doesn’t seem like work, if that makes sense. “

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Princess wants her blog and social media to be a  platform for people to learn how to be a better version of themselves. She has a lot of different projects that she is working on that will be on the blog soon. Including an intention journal, an eBook for blogging tips, and more free (and paid) videos on yoga and meditation. She wants people to know that they don’t have to put a limit on what they can do or learn.

Princess you inspire us! Keep doing what you do girl and we will be checking you out on https://www.themominmeblog.com/!

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The Kids Are Off For 3 Weeks…

So I know if you are a working/career mom you may be in a bit of a frenzy. It is already a lot preparing for Spring break, Summer Break and unexpected days off here and there.  Yet, 3 whole weeks is a different battle!

Honey, parents all over the world are like, “WHAT IN THE HECK?”

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Well, I want to give you a few tips to help you prepare for this week. Some tips that can help you find reliable care for your children. To give you peace in your mind and help maintain your sanity.

 

LEGGGOOOOOO….

1. CO-PARENTING- This is the time to WORK TOGETHER! You are a family unit regardless of the situation. During a crisis families should stick together. Find a way to split time up so that the children can be in both of your care during this three week school hiatus. Be fair. Be fun!

 2. GRANDPARENTS- Most grandparents love spending time with the grands. This is the time to send the kids with the grands (if you can)! I  know a friend who is driving her kids a few cities away to be with their grandparents during this time.  I know that my kids will be spending time with their grandparents during this time. I will be packing them up some food though. I don’t want them to get put out for eating everything, joking!

3. YOUR MAMA TRIBE/ FRIENDS- Do you have some moms who are at home? Stay at home moms? Or moms who work a different shift that would be willing to help out? Sometimes if you pay for help the results are much quicker. Most people need a little extra cash and would be willing to help during this emergency time. Keep in contact with your mama tribe, even if that means asking for suggestions.

4. WORK FROM HOME- If you are like me and work in Finance/ Accounting, you probably take a laptop home every night. Ask your Supervisor if he/she can accommodate you to work from home a few days if not the duration of this extended break. Let them know that you are going to still be able to give 100%. We want to encourage them to be willing to allow this courtesy and convenience. Obviously, you still have to be a strong performer despite the circumstances.

5. COMPANY RESOURCES- You work hard and your employer provides compensation and benefits. USE THEM! Get in contact with your HR representative and ask about extended leaves of absence, time off and benefits to accommodate you during emergencies. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!!  I know the company that I work for is very family friendly. They provide a resource called Bright Horizons. Bright Horizon helps you find quality child care, Nannies and Nursing home facilities (elder family members) at a discount. Especially, during emergency circumstances. Reach out to find out how the company you work for can help you.

As always, I know that this will not help everyone. I am praying that we all get through this time happy and healthy. I also hope that you all will have some peace knowing that this too shall pass. Remember to stay positive, stay focused and stay committed. Love you all!

Tahnee Cole

“The MOMMY MOTIVATOR”

 

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The Bitter Baby Mama…

Remember the bitter baby mama, yeah that’s what you called her.

You first saw her in the grocery store, right? She was standing there yelling at her kids, using all types of profanity.

“Don’t touch a motha…” Is how she started her first sentence. Telling her three kids to keep their hands to themselves.

She looked tired and worn out, but you didn’t give a damn. Even though you saw her five year old touch the M&Ms 10 times, after she said not to, you judge her. Harshly. You said she was a pathetic mama to talk to her kids like that.

And when you overheard her saying she was a single mama, you rolled your eyes.

You said to yourself, “how could she take it out on her kids? They didn’t ask to be here. Nobody should have to suffer behind her poor choices.

Another bitter baby mama.

You looked down upon her with disgust, as you guarded your children as if you were blocking them from some contagious rare disease. You watched her struggle to carry her baby, push the cart with several grocery bags and walk in her raggedy high heel shoes.

You even joked with your partner and said she was probably on the government’s assistance. She probably bought her groceries with her EBT card. You didn’t know that woman, but you threw so much dirt on her name you would have thought it was planting season.

Then you watched her grabbed all her groceries and walk to the bus stop. A baby on her arm, one barely walking and an older child trying to carry as many groceries as he could. He was filled with shame too.

“These kids deserve a mom they could be proud!” Is what you had the nerve to say.

You were looking from the outside in, thinking you had it all figured out. You saw her rolling her eyes defensively sitting with her three kids at the bus stop.

You stared at her and said, “How could she be so stupid” Nobody told her to open her legs and have kids before she got married. Why wasn’t she on birth control?

You even said she is probably one of those women who won’t let the man see his kids, put him on child support and hate any new chick he dates. The drama type. The bitter baby mama type.

You gathered that all in one trip to the store. Never spoke to this woman one time. Didn’t even know her name.

 

Well, Fast-forward…

It is funny how life flips. When you got home one day, the love of your life let you know that he wanted to move on.

After 15 yrs of playing house, he confessed he had not been happy in years, He wanted to find himself (whatever the hell that means) and you didn’t do it for him anymore.

He left and never looked back. You called to ask if he would drop money off or the kids, but he wouldn’t respond. Now you are contemplating on putting him on child support.

The kids are hungry and you have to go to the grocery store. Taking them to the store without help is not something that you are used to.

The trip to the store is a disaster.

Your kids are crying and grabbing items, the people at the back of the line are giving you the same looks you gave, well the bitter baby mama.

After the grocery store chaos, you sit down in your car exhausted. Putting groceries in the trunk and strapping kids in by yourself is no joke.  You open up your IG for a quick second and you see your ex with his new woman, you are furious.

Of all days, your car won’t start. Nobody can give you a ride, so you have to wait for triple A.

Now you are waiting for the tow truck, with crying hungry kids in the back. With tears in your eyes.

You stare intently at the same bus stop that sat the mom you judged. You finally felt remorse for your ignorance, you felt sorry. You became exactly who you judged. Finally, you understood her pain and sympathized for her story.

This made your understand the importance of never ever looking down or judging anyone, because the tables can turn.

As you focused on your kids, and the anger your felt in your heart, you realized that now you are also viewed as the Bitter Baby Mama…

Everyone has a story.

Tahnee Cole

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BABY MAMA SERIES: 7 HABITS TO HEAL

Dealing with post relationship trauma is not easy. Especially, when a child or children are involved. However, you can still manage to have a productive and healthy co-parenting relationship and happy life.

On a road to recovery there are things that you must do on a consistent basis to make sure that you are being your best self.

So, things didn’t work out. He left or you had to leave. You may feel guilt that you are not providing a two parent household for your child or children, but that’s life. Nothing is promised. People’s feelings and emotions vary day to day. Life happens and no situation is perfect.

Here are some tips:

1. Accept it-

Don’t ignore your emotions. Don’t keep daydreaming that everything will mend and the perfect family will return. Accept how you feel. It is ok to be angry, upset, or even sad. Allow your body to feel the emotions, no suppressing. Accept the place your life is right now but remember it will get greater later!

2. Focus on your child-

The center of this union is your child and that is exactly where your focus should be. I feel like putting the focus on making your child happy will keep you in line with what is more important. Most parents motives are pure when it comes to their children, so putting a focus on them will eliminate the need for being vindictive and petty. I’m not saying forget about you, but your child needs a fair chance at loving both parents without confusion or judgement.

3. Focus on you-

In addition to focusing on your child at some point you will have to focus on you. Do your best. Quit worrying about the other parent. Some “baby mamas” can’t heal of move on, because they are FB stalking their kids dad or mad because he isn’t contributing. You can’t help that, but you can help what you do. Focus on  your glow up and you will do just that!

 

4. Set boundaries-

Stop entertaining BS unrelated to your child. Is it possible your ex is doing petty things to make you upset or jealous? Absolutely. Be upfront about your concerns and expectations when it comes to your role in your child’s life and then move on. Honestly, you CANNOT control what happens when the child is at the other parent’s house. But what you can do is cut off anything that allows you to see the nonsense. Establish a way to communicate, a place to meet and a drop off and pick up  schedule. Those are all ways to minimize foolery (if you co-parent). If the dad is totally out of the picture and does not want to be, you got to move on without him!

 

5. Physical Contact/ Sexual Contact-

A lot of women are still saying “I did not have sexual relations with my baby daddy” (In my Bill Clinton voice). Be honest Sis, a lot of women go back to the familiar, but seriously if you want to cut the attachment and establish some respect, you must quit. Check out my article NO SEX WITH THE EX

6. Set goals-

Instead of you starting to worry too much on what things are not right, focus on improving your life every year. Focus on your goals and what you can do better. Focusing on improving yourself and your kids will help you put a less focus on irrelevant things you can’t control.

 

7. Have Patience-

With any situation have patience with the progress, yourself and others. Nothing improves overnight. Focus on staying committed, positive and focused. Celebrate minor milestones and understand that you will have setbacks, but they will set you up for later success.  Just keep going. You got this Sis!

 

Tahnee Cole

“The Mommy Motivator”

 

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You’re a Bitter Baby Mama, Own it!

Her eyes were red as my Ruby Woo lipstick. She got in the car and didn’t even speak. I didn’t take it personal though. I knew why she was angry and I felt her. I kept telling her she needed a holistic detox (I will speak on that later), but she was too concerned about getting even with her children’s father.

She didn’t say hello, but she said, ” Tahnee I f*cking hate him. I wish he was dead. Honest to God I do.”

I decided to listen instead of giving her any input, sometimes people need an ear and not your tongue.

“He called me bitter. Can you believe that? I’m far from bitter, pissed off but not bitter. Tahnee am I bitter?” she asked.

I took a sip of my coffee, pulled my hair behind my ear and glanced at my friend. She was beautiful. She was blessed with smooth chocolate skin, wavy curly hair and full ‘Kylie Jenner wish she had’ lips, but her anger had distorted her features. She now wore pain. The angry black woman grimace paired with the stank face is not a good look at all.

“You are, but its understandable. You got a lot on your plate. Your fairytale didn’t have an happy ending so far, so now you are stressed. Look sis, its perfectly fine to be a little bitter, but don’t stay there.”

My advice to any bitter baby mama.

But don’t stay there…

Many mamas hate that the word “bitter” precedes “baby mama” many times.

They refuse to accept it when their actions display otherwise.

I always say that it is perfectly fine to be upset, be hurt, be bitter, but it is not ok to stay in that place.

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL. SO MANY PEOPLE TRY TO FAKE IT, TO MAKE IT. THEY POP ONE TO AVOID THE FEELING. PRETEND THEY DON’T NEED THERPY AND IGNORE HOW THEY FEEL. EVENTUALLY,THEY HAVE MELTDOWNS, ANXIETY ATTACKS, AND THEY WILL CRASH AND BURN.

They hurt others and themselves. Plus, they never allow their hurt and pain to manifest into healing and growth. Admitting is the first step to recovery. You should never allow anyone to tell you what you should not be. Initially, any breakup can breed negative feelings especially when a child or children are involved. However, you don’t have to always be in that sunken place.

You will need to have the strength to encourage not only yourself, but your life partner which is your baby daddy. You are broken up, but in many ways still together. Hating them is hypocritical if you say you love your child, because that is hating a major part of your child. You can’t hate your kids father and teach your child love and respect. Your child needs a fair chance at loving their parent without you distorting their perception.

Once you accept this and begin working on you, growth will occur. The goal is to be better and not bitter. If you are not there at this point, that is fine. Own it, work on it and move forward.

 

Tahnee Cole

 

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THE “BABY MAMA” SERIES: MENTAL HEALTH

Let me tell you the double standard…

I was talking to some coworkers about a story on the news. A dad was so stressed out that he came home killed his children and himself. As we discussed how sad it was a few of my co-workers started bashing the mother.

surprised

What type of mom let the dad have custody? She had to be a shitty mom for the dad to get custody. She knew his mental state!

And of course my favorite: If they were the mom, their kids would not have been with a dad like that.  

I listened before I gave them my 20 cents. I would say 2 cents, but yawl know that I am long-winded.

I started my speech with, ” But if she didn’t send the kids to their dad’s she would be considered a bitter baby mama or bitter bitch. Judged for depriving her kids from having a healthy connection and relationship with their father.”

So I guess its a lose, lose for this mom. She may have very well told the court system, police or even family that she seen some mental imbalance in her children’s father, but it is very hard to prove that in court. Especially, without a thorough medical diagnosis or a criminal history,

The baby mother is the most criticized stereotyped party in the baby making pair. I often hear people say things such as: She needs to get over it, and move on. Let that man see his kids. So does it truly matter the mental state the dad is in? And the audacity to give the dad a pass for his mental state; however, moms are expected to be strong despite their tribulations.

I can’t help but feel like every breakup where a baby mama is involved,  it turns into a bash party. So if she takes a stand to protect her kids, she is a bitter bitch.  It doesn’t matter is she is sending her kids to the dads house, and he has an unstable girlfriend. One who secretly hates her just because she is the mother of his child (there are women like that). How safe is that environment for her child?

She better send them.

It doesn’t matter if dad has a hoe house with different chicks watching the kids while he is out kicking it.

She better send them.

So baby mamas are put in rough predicaments and placed under huge judgements and scrutiny.

Let take a minute and think about your friend(s) who was discarded, left by the baby daddy of perhaps things just didn’t work out. This woman is now dealing with raising a child/children on her own , many times completely alone. Honestly, visitation does not equate to shared custody. Hell shared custody sometimes ain’t 50/50. Many times, the mom has to deal with mental overload. The emotions of her child due to the back and forth tug of war, as well as, her own emotions.

I remember when my son was still small and was going to his dad’s house. I was still nursing him, I remember as my breast were filling up with more milk I was developing more anxiety. It didn’t help that when I would text his dad to check on him, he would be petty and ignore my text.

That was a lot to handle for a mom suffering postpartum depression, having a small child spend nights away and still trying to maintain sanity with working and raising another child.  Moms constantly worry about their children and there should be respectable communication between the parents. But hey, send him to dad right?  Society says, “toughen up baby mama!”

Never mind the importance of a child being nurtured and cared by their mother during their vital early years. Never mind the emotions a woman has postpartum, and the support she needs as well. Never mind that it is difficult to properly nurture your child when you are dealing with distress, drama, lack of stability and a fucked up judicial system.

The general consensus is that the mom has to give her baby over regardless of the mental, physical or emotional abuse she suffers. On the flipside, the moms who do hand their child over are judged when shit goes wrong. Just like the mom I told you about earlier.

Of course, every situation is different and there are some baby mamas who are the cause of many issues. But that doesn’t represent all. My point is think twice before you judge anyone and you don’t know their story.

It is extremely important that we acknowledge and support our baby mothers too, as they play a major role in shaping our future. Instead of being looked down upon they need to be uplifted and cared for. The village is not just for the child. We are a village and we must keep uplifting all parties that reside in this shared space.

-Tahnee Cole

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Pregnant after 30…

Lately, I have been entertaining the thought of having a final baby. Only because I have started to really consider a friendship turned into a relationship and possibly marriage is the next discussion. But, the thought of having a baby after 30 is scary to me, especially since I am 34..

How could I not have a baby for my husband?

My friend at work was discussing that her aunt had her final baby at 43. She had tried for a girl 4 times and finally conceived her on her 5th try. I’m kind of glad I got one of each because it truly gave me the opportunity to say I could stop at two, but Idk…

I was definitely born to be a mom, but I also want to enjoy some of my life too without very small children depending on me. I still say that at least by 40 I would have an adult child, a pre-teen and then maybe if I had one within a year or so, one starting school…

There is so much to think about when it comes to starting and raising a family together. Especially, when it comes to starting over as a blended family. The last few years if I would date a man and he wanted more kids, I would instantly stop dating him. I was convinced I was done. However, just recently my little ovaries has been jumping when I see a baby. Preferably another baby girl.

Then I hear the horror stories about the women in their mid 30s going through very rough life threatening pregnancies. God knows I was sick as a dog during both my pregnancies, suffering from severe morning sickness, but I survived.

I keep thinking to myself that my desires only come from the fact that my children are getting older and more independent. As a mom, you can have the tendency to rely on your children needing to be nurtured by you as a way to establish your identity.  So as your children need you less it can be scary.

Maybe it is the fact that my son is finally off the breast and starting school soon. Maybe it is because my daughter will be a teenager this year.

As parents, when we are going through the tough baby phase we cannot wait until our children grow, but as they grow you tend to miss the same moments that stressed you out.

At this point in my life, if the relationship grows into a beautiful marriage, I will be open to having another baby.  However, I am not planning on more children without a solid foundation of trust and security. Even then it is not always promised that things will work out. Still, I will remain positive and let God lead.

Mom life is a beautiful life. Family is a blessing. Only God knows what life is in store for me.

  • Tahnee Cole
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F*ck him, how is that for therapy? #parentingwithanincarceratedparent

Hey Mamas,

I started therapy a year ago.

In secret. I didn’t want my family to judge me. I didn’t grow up on therapy, I grew up on prayer.

To be honest, it was surface level at first. I didn’t truly want to step out of my comfort zone because, “I’m strong”.

As a matter of fact, I am identified as one of the strongest ones in my family. So how was I supposed to be vulnerable? Especially, with someone who doesn’t know shit about me.

So I looked at therapy to discuss the issues I had with others (their faults) and downplay my own.

I’m not the problem, they are. It’s Tahnee’s world and they just live in it.

However, just recently Heaven attended therapy with me to discuss her issues she was dealing with, in regards to her dad being incarcerated.

Then my eyes were opened.

We had a group therapy session and my daughter let the cat out the bag.
I was insensitive about her dad being away. I had grown to have a fuck him, he made a poor decision, attitude. Which was different from how I use to feel.

The truth is, Heaven’s dad was my official first love and I was crushed when he had been sentenced to 25 years in prison.

But the distance and burden of me having to raise a young child on my own had turned me cold towards him.

The allegations involved declared him guilty for the murder of a woman known as a prostitute.   Yet, even though the evidence that was used to convict him was sketchy, I remember feeling humiliated in court. Sexual favors for cash? And now because of his foolishness my daughter could never have a father & daughter dance.

Of course, I was his ride or die chick pleading to the judge letter after letter, visiting and accepting those high ass phone calls.

I remember one day he had asked me to buy an electronic and I snapped.

How the hell was I going to support him and my daughter? Who was supporting me?

His anger for being locked up made him take things out on me and we slowly began to fall apart. I mean we never stopped talking, but things have never been  the same…

Fast forward to today and through therapy,  I realized that my material over-compensating for his missing presence was not helping my daughter heal. Nor was it filling the voids.

The fact of the matter was, he was missing and she was missing him.

But I was confused, she didn’t want to visit him in jail and they spoke on the phone often so..what was I supposed to do?

I was instantly defensive, “Heaven what am I supposed to do, he fucked up not me, I’m here?” 

The therapist let me speak and then said , “Heaven can you tell me how you feel about your mom’s statement.

No she’s right. I love my mom, but she feels how she feel.” Heaven said with her head down.

I was about to get defensive again, but I was quiet.

Heaven had basically showed me the issue. I was shutting her down when she had explained her feelings about her dad and now my baby wasn’t comfortable talking to me.

I had my dad so I had no understanding of how she felt and showed no compassion (not intentionally).

My heart meant well, but my delivery was shitty.

I spent days explaining to my daughter the statistics of children with an incarcerated parent, and drilling in her head that she has to succeed regardless of the numbers.

Explaining to her not to use her dad’s absence as an excuse to do less in life and to survive off the one parent she has, that is rooting for her.

Telling her to get over the fact her dad was missing, is not right.

This hard truth has helped me realize my flaws as a parent, but also as a woman who obviously has not healed from this situation.

To be continued…

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They only see you leave early… #WORKINGMOMCHALLENGES

A mom friend and I had a discussion about moms vs the workplace…

We both agreed that we realized how difficult working mom life can be once our children hit school age.  For many career moms, it appears to be more difficult when your child is an infant. First, there is the separation anxiety. At this point, you are faced with the many adjustments such as:

Selecting and surviving child care,

deciding on a nanny,

home-care of a daycare facility.

It is possible that you may find a little confidence when your children finally hit preschool. Unfortunately, with parenthood you realize that your routine is constantly changing especially when you get comfortable. LOL. They start school and you have to adjust again. Honestly, school brought on its fair share of challenges, as it relates to my career life.

Here is my perspective:

Well or should I say lemme (let me) break it down..

There is Summer break, Thanksgiving break, Christmas/Winter break, Spring break, random holidays off and of course our famous EARLY OUT DAYS.   The truth is many moms work in careers where the school hours are not conducive to the career mom schedule. Which means that we have to either find more flexible careers or save up plenty of PTO. We may even have to stay in constant communication with our employer. In layman’s terms, let them know what the hell is going on so that we can cover our ass and keep our job. Remember, we are not only required to be great moms, but to also still be considered a valuable worker.

I noticed once my daughter started school that 3 pm dismissal was not working for me.  For most moms the school hours are not flexible enough to drop off or pick up their children. If you can do one or the other your are lucky. So moms are trying to figure out transportation services, before and after care, bus routes, carpooling, etc. And again, the early out days. At this point, there is nothing left to do besides LEAVE WORK EARLY. Make sure you say it again and listen to those echoes behind.

It is not a sin; however, my friend and I also discussed our experiences with co-workers when they found out you had to leave early. Especially, if it had something to do with one of your children. I can say that the current company I work for is very family friendly. Yet, in the past, I have worked for corporations that were not as forgiving about leaving due to personal family issues.

I remember I had a situation myself when I was leaving work eight minutes earlier and one of my coworkers had the audacity to look at his watch and say is “your watch fast?”. He was joking, but I was not.  I wanted to say, ” Excuse me a$$hole, you come in work late every single day, your performance is mediocre at best and you have the audacity to check me!” I didn’t care if he was joking I was sick of people only acknowledging anything negative.

Not many people understand the stress and struggles of the working mom. The constant need to balance being a great mom and a great employee is challenging. Plus, I never heard anyone joke about the days I was there extra early, or the nights I worked from home after hours, or the weekends I was putting in.  Or the days I hauled ass into work after being up late when a crying baby, or a sick child with a fever. Or how about beating it into work after running back to the school to give my child a backpack or lunch they forgot. So please, a few minutes early out should never be a major concern or to be put on spotlight.

Sadly, that is just some of the discrimination that career moms deal with on the day to day basis. Despite it, we still keep moving and do our best to debunk any theories that we are less than the average worker. We strive to prove that we are more efficient and proficient than our counterparts. It is just a shame we still have to do way more than we need to prove ourselves. When in my case, the numbers don’t lie.

 

Tahnee Cole

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HAPPY HOLIDAYS, HAPPY NEW YEAR AND HAPPY WINTER! (WINTER NEWSLETTER ENCLOSED)

Hello,

I am committed to working on all the projects that will keep my mom tribe engaged and encouraged.  Every season I will be uploading a seasonal newsletter. My last newsletter was for the Fall Season. If you enjoyed that edition, please check out my Winter edition. Download it and  read it whenever you want.

What you can expect out of this issue is :

  • Winter activities to do with your family

  • My favorite mom must haves

  • Preparation for the new year

  • Holiday treats

I am sorry I was a little late, I was trying to stay present with my family during the holiday season. My initial plan was to upload on the Winter Solstice, but it is always better to be late than never. Follow the arrow and get your copy today.

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WINTER NEWSLETTER 2019.2020 official

 

STAY POSITIVE, STAY FOCUSED, STAY COMMITTED

LOVE, TAHNEE COLE

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Last Minute Gift Ideas for a Tween Like Mine…

If you are looking for last minute ideas for a tween girl like mine, here are 10 gifts she will probably love. This is not all tweens, but girls who are like my baby girl Heaven!

  1. Nails/ Nail polish- My daughter has quite a nail collection. She enjoys doing her friends nails for some pocket change (future business woman), and she also likes buying press on nails. The press on nails are so nice now they look like you got a manicure from a professional salon!nail polish

  2. Anything Justice- Heaven has loved Justice since she was 6. She loves the clothes, jewelry, accessories for her room, back packs, lunch boxes, and much more. The store is specifically for girls and you cannot go wrong purchasing a gift there. justice

  3. Phone cases- My daughter has an iphone. I broke down and bought her one earlier this year, but she  has to have a case that can match her many outfits. You can find phone cases anywhere, but her favorite place is Claire’s Boutique. phone case

  4. Lip gloss- No make up yet, but she is into the sweet glossy (extra glossy) lip stage. She also likes to make her own. So I also purchased her a lip gloss kit which is a great gift. Hey, they can use the kit to start their own business. #girlboss #kidboss

  5. Bookbag purse and fanny packs- My daughter is really into purses to match her outfits. It funny because I remember being into bookbag purses and fanny packs when I was her age. Girls love bags so it is a great gift idea.

  6. Colored Extensions- It took me a minute to get into this trend, but I gave in. Heaven loves colored hair, so I allow her to buy colored extensions to add in her braids for fun. . It’s a unicorn, Vsco girl phase I guess. A lot of girls are into either the clip in extensions, or even the spray in color. We use to use spray and Kool-Aid! lol heavegiftblog2

  7. Scrunchies- All Vsco girls like scrunchies to wear around their wrist, so load up on different colors to match their outfits. You can get them from dollar stores all the way to department stores.

  8. Bath bombs/ smell goods- Bath and body is one of my daughters favorite stores. Most girls like to smell sweet and good. So buying a young lady you know some sweet smelling lotion or body wash will definitely be a hit for Christmas.

  9. Journal/ Books/ Planners- Girls like to write about their goals, dreams, their days, who their best friends are and their plans. They also like to read. This year I bought my daughter all three. A journal to write her daily life goals and secrets. Plus a book called The Confidence Code for girls by Katty Kay & Claire Shipman.book

  10. Gift cards- Lastly, you can never go wrong with gift cards. If you just don’t know what to get just buy a gift card and they can buy what they want!! Some popular gift cards are ITUNES, APPLE, AMAZON.

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Beating the Busy Mom Blues During the Holidays!

Tis the Season to be jolly, busy AF, overwhelmed, happy, depressed, broke, etc…

Listen Mamas, life does NOT have to be the exact same, year after year. You have to find ways to make things better. Life is about learning what works and doing it.

As I get older, I am learning to find ways to make my life simpler. Especially, during the holiday season.

Below is a list of things I do to make the holiday season less stressful.

Legggooooo…

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  Take a moment, breathe and observe the beauty of the season….

  • If you live in Cleveland, Ohio like me, you will probably see snow. Although, most of us are sick of the snow; we will admit that it looks pretty during the Holiday Season. It is nice to see the Christmas lights and eat holiday treats. The ambience of the season makes me feel so warm and snuggly. So try to find something you love to look at and focus on that. I love to make the house look really pretty and festive. This year I wanted a lot of red, so I bought some beautiful silk poinsettia plants.

 

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You don’t have to attend all those holiday parties Sis…

  • Unless it is mandatory, stop burning yourself out going to every holiday party. Pick and choose the ones you want to attend. It can be a burden because then you are worried about holiday attire and if you have to bring something (say potluck) it can get very expensive. Spend this holiday season doing what you like and not forcing yourself to be everywhere.

Create Traditions instead of hitting up every event…

  • This is similar to my last tip. I like to do a lot of stuff with my kids, but there is so much to do. I try to make sure that I am not overdoing, trying to attend every festive kid event. With the kids having school parties I am involved in, Church events and family events, it can become overwhelming. So I stick to some of our traditions and add a few new ideas. We always go to The Polar Express reading time at Barnes and Nobles. Then we take pictures with Santa where the kids draw pictures for the children at Rainbow hospital. It is a free event, but I always donate money. We also take a family Christmas picture. This year we will be adding to the year by going sledding and picking out a real Christmas tree. We are keeping it fun, but staying organized.

 

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Have a drink…

  • I don’t care if is wine, tea, hot chocolate or eggnog. Sit back turn on your favorite show, kick up your feet and relax. It is a must to take some time to yourself and live in the moment. My favorite drink always makes me smile. I am going to try something new this year. I’m thinking something creamy with just a tad of liquor in it. I might even throw a peppermint in it to make it festive. LOL

Get some help…

  • Order your groceries, find a gift wrapper, gift shop online and find a babysitter. Do whatever you need to do, to eliminate stress from trying to do so much. We often think we have to do it all, but we do not.

Make things convenient…

  • Either have the holidays festivities at your house or don’t. Do what makes you feel comfortable and what is convenient. This year I had Thanksgiving at my moms and Christmas will be at my house. Christmas is easier to host at my house so the children don’t have to leave their gifts. But do whatever you like. Just make sure that convenience is your top priority.

I could go on and on with all types of tips, but I wanted to keep it simple.  I hope you (my lovely tribe), will enjoy this holiday season. I am sending prayers to anyone suffering a loss, because it is usually magnified during the holiday season. I pray for your peace, happiness and prosperity. As always I love you all!

tahnee cole1

Love Tahnee Cole

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Being the only black working mom…

Usually, I never feel out of place because I don’t compare myself to others. However, I felt really weird after having a conversation with a group of moms at our kids reading time. One mom in particular.

We were all at a round table, drinking coffee and peeking in at our children to make sure they were behaving. I didn’t pay attention to me being black until one of the moms said, “it is so nice to see some color and not just moms like me.” I smiled and then there was awkward silence.

“Are you from around here?” she said.

One of the other moms who was also caucasian looked annoyed. I could tell she was thinking enough already with the awkward small talk.

I was wondering where she had been, because we attended this reading event frequently. I was not a newbie. If I was not mistaken, I had seen her a couple times and she usually never said anything.

Today, must have been a good day to be nosey. Maybe she had friendly intentions so I decided to entertain her a little, with very little info.

“I’m from a different suburb, but my mom lives over here.” I said after taking a sip of my coffee.

I pulled out my laptop and she wanted to continue the conversation. Instead, she just made a general comment amongst everyone.

“Isn’t it good to be out of the house ladies? Stay at home mom life can be something else.” She said as if she was sighing.

A few of the moms laughed in unison and shook their heads in agreeance.

She went on..

“Granted, we still have to chase them around the library, but at least it is nice to let the Librarian keep their attention for a moment.” she said.

She focused her attention on me. I was certain she could tell by my business suit and laptop that I was probably not a SAHM.

“I only know about career mom life, but I get you.” I said smiling.

“Omg, how do you do it? I would miss my kids so much and would not want anyone else raising them.” Her face was turned up as if I had given my kids up for adoption.

The other moms looked surprised that she had the nerve.

The irony of her just being happy having momentary freedom, but then speaking on missing her children if she had a career made me chuckle.

I smiled and remained classy.

“I wouldn’t say raise them per say. My definition of raising might be a tad different from yours though. I’m the sole provider so I have to make a living. Besides, having multiple strong influences, and individuals assisting me with taking care of my children is vital to my family structure. I love having a strong village to help support me, while I take on the world. I am dedicated to showing my kids I am multi-talented and capable of achieving my goals.  Providing them with a living example of success and perseverance.  Yes, I miss my kids, but I would be missing me if I was not living in my purpose. I spend plenty of time with them even when I am exhausted, like right now. The librarian is watching over my son now, but she is not raising him. It is great to stay at home, but that is not the life all moms desire. Nor do all moms have that opportunity, even if they did want to.” I said.

She smiled and looked a little embarrassed. Then spoke, “oh no, I meant no harm or offense, you are commendable. I wish I had the drive.”

I handed her the card to search my blog.

“Different strokes for different folks. All mom life is a challenge…

“Agreed” said another mom winking at me.

-Tahnee Cole

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Teaching my son there is a Black Superman, he is.

The picture of my son in 2018 wearing his Superman costume inspired this post. He looks so strong, confident and majestic. He truly believes that he can do anything. Which is why daily, I find myself having to convince him not to jump down the flight of stairs.

But, I don’t want that confidence to disappear. I want him to keep believing in himself. To strive for heights that most think are unachievable for him. I want to see him smash his goals, conquer the unconquerable and beat the stereotypes placed on him through statistics.

It is unfortunate when I only hear negative news, and see more negative images about men who look like my son. It kills me when I hear stories of black boys with bright futures who turn to a life of crime. Simply because they no longer see Superman as a true future. They once had bright smiles like my son , they once believed, but one day something happened.

It is important that we teach our sons they are our Superheroes, despite the negative depictions placed over them.  We have to encourage our sons to take responsibility for their lives and hold them accountable for their actions. With confidence that, they can one day be the leading examples of our world.

I told my son that he has the power and ability to do whatever he desires. The same super powers he has when he puts on his cape now, will never leave him.  That power will manifest in a different form, according to his human abilities to change the entire world.

So I tell my son, he is Superman.

We must tell our young men that he is, Superman.

From a Mom who loves and believe in her son..

Tahnee Cole

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“If you leave that damn coat at school, don’t come home!”

Hey, I’m a black mom and I’m extra AF (as f*ck), if you aren’t familiar with the acronym. LOL

Excuse my French, but there is no better way to describe my parenting style when it comes to trying to prove a point to my kids.

When my kids leave the house during the Fall and Winter season, I find myself giving them a lecture. Not only about making sure they keep on their coats, but keeping up with their coats. Hats, scarves and gloves as well.

My mama said it to me and I am pretty sure my grandma said it to her.

“If you leave the coat at school, don’t come home.”

For some reason, my kids need me to take it to the extreme to prove to them that I am not playing with them and ….

Ain’t nobody got time for that!

They not only need their coats to stay warm and avoid getting sick. But mama pays good money to keep them warm and I want to see them look like they left the house.

The coats are usually not a huge issue, because they don’t want to freeze those little honey buns off. However, I feel like I replace gloves all winter.  So far the old stick the gloves in the hat and hat in the sleeve trick is working.

If not, I hope the school has some bunk beds, because I mean what I said before.

LOL

jr coat

From A Mom, trying to keep her kids warm

XOXO

Tahnee Cole

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Let me be candid, and keep it funky about co-parenting.

Everything is picture perfect now.

You get on social media and the portrayal of a perfect life is the new norm.

The influencers at times, can influence people to live a lie or contribute to insecurities.

Insecurities about fantasies.

A spotless home (usually a mansion), a perfect faithful husband, perfect well-manner kids and my favorite:

Perfect co-parenting relationships…

Look, I am sure there are some very healthy, team player type co-parenting relationships out there. And trust me when I say, I’m proud of them. However, there are a lot of couples who are constantly a work in progress. Co-parenting can be a roller coaster journey, because it can often depend on what the parent is dealing with in his or her own life. Co-parenting can often be difficult for a number of reasons.

Here are a few I have heard outside of my own journey:

  1. Maybe you didn’t get along when you were together . So trying to come to agreements apart can prove to be even more difficult.
  2. Emotions could still be there. Some people don’t want to admit it, but the love they still have for their partner could affect how they raise the kids. The feelings can be  one -side or on both sides. To be honest, many times it is on both sides, but one person is usually in denial.
  3. Still sleeping around and causing confusion. Sex with the ex can be a big “no,no”.
  4. Or you flat out can’t stand each other. So raising a kid together is now another burden and you simply wish the other person would get lost.

Well co-parenting is not something that can be forced or suddenly changed. Depending on how the situation ended, that usually dictates the dynamic of the relationship. It is rough and some days it takes the energy out of you. There will be ups and downs, good days and bad ones.

So yes, it is ok and you do not have to be picture perfect. Do not text you ex and expect them to want to do a photoshoot for social media. Just to prove that you are both mature individuals raising your kids.

Let it flow and pray about it. Be your best self and realize that time will heal everything. Things will change and force people to change.  I am all for broadcasting healthy examples and trying to promote peace and prosperity. However, I am all for people being honest about where they are in life, and not feeling judged or belittled because their family structure does not resemble another.

So live life on your terms and be able to accept where you are at that moment.

Trust me, it will bring you peace and worse case scenario, you and your ex are never able to meet eye to eye. You can be satisfied knowing that you tried, but able to accept that you can’t control anyone, but you.

And honestly, there is more to life than social media facades.

From a Mom, who is just being honest…

Tahnee Cole

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And Yes, I’m a Mom…

There is such a strong stigma that comes with being a mom. So many expectations, so many requirements. Most of the time, we feel damned if we do, damned if we do not.

One of the most common criticisms I have received is that since I am a mom, I can no longer be viewed as sexy. I am expected to trade in my bikini for a t-shirt when I go to the beach. I am expected to hide myself as though I am no longer an individual. Why can’t I be proud of the body I have as a 30 something mother of two?

I work for a high profile corporate company and on most days I am required to wear business professional attire. So I love to kick back on the weekend and dress how I please. There is a such thing as being tasteful and displaying your beauty. I think a mother is one of the sexiest titles a woman can own. We are the epitome of sexiness! Our bodies are like rubber bands. They stretch, but they can bounce back!

After having my second child, I was feeling down about my body. The drastic changes postpartum can be overwhelming. I started going to the gym to make myself look and feel better. It worked! I could see the changes in my body and my mind. So why am I criticized for wearing a form fitting dress or a pair of shorts? After a long time of feeling bad; I was feeling good and desirable. I salute all the mamas who are proud of their bodies. As long as, I am not degrading myself or embarrassing my children with my image. I will continue to celebrate my femininity and be proud of this body that has created lives and legends. Yes, you are a mom now, but you can still be sexy!

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Surviving the Village…

Every mom and dad needs a Village.

They say it takes a village to raise a child.

There will come a point when you can no longer do everything yourself.

Your advice will no longer be enough.

You will need someone to pick up the kids when you are unable to.

God forbid you fall ill and need an extra shoulder to lean on.

The truth is, you will need help at some point during your parenthood journey.

 Yet, can you survive and embrace the Village? Do you have the ability to simply put your pride aside? Can you accept your Village in their rawness?

This will be the real them. The flawed them. The village that will not always have the same thought process as you. However, they are still a Village, your Village.

They each will have a unique perspective on how to raise the kids. A unique relationship with your child. The parent that you co-parent with might not always agree with your decisions. Will this make you crumble, shutdown and force yourself to take on all the challenges alone?  Will you throw a tantrum like a child or are you willing to hear them out? Can you come to an agreement, agree to disagree?

What about co-existing with your nagging mother in law (who is obviously going to be a part of your village)? Or will you shut her out because she is becoming overbearing and opinionated?

 As I get older, I am realizing that a Village who is likeminded makes me feel more comfortable. However, that is not always a guarantee. In a perfect world, we would like everyone to do what we say, when we say, but that is not reality. So we have to accept that the people in our village will contribute something different to our kids lives. I am almost positive that different opinions will benefit one day, because lets face it, we are not always correct.

So, personally I have to allow myself to gain the maturity and wisdom to allow help and strengthen my Village without being judgemental and stubborn.

So the next time you are shutting a family member out, because they disagree with you. Take a moment and try to consider their perspective.

Think about this, are you pushing away your Village? Or are you trying to build your Village stronger?

Can you survive your Village?

From A Mom who is trying to build and not burn her village down!

Tahnee Cole