The Working Mom Chaos…

I recall a time I felt the entire pressure of being a working mom.

I felt judged. I was already late to the parent meeting. I know they heard my heels clicking as fast as they could down the hall. I got myself together, clutched my purse and controlled my breathing. I found a seat in the front. There were no chairs in the back that would save me the embarrassing feeling of being late.

Most of the moms were in sweats, so they may have just thought I was fashionably late. But no, my fancy ensemble was because I was a career mom. What they didn’t know is I had damn near killed myself to get to this meeting. I was on the highway screaming, “Move b—–, get out the way” In my best Ludacris impersonation.

I had made a promise to attend these meetings to show that I was more than concerned and all about my daughter’s progression and education. These meetings though were unrealistic to my schedule. Most of the meetings for working parents were unrealistic. I called my son’s dad to let him know that I was at Heaven’s school and that he could meet me in the parking lot to drop LJ off. He worked third shift and needed to get to work. The meeting was still going on and by now I had warmed up and was giving my input. The parents were actually enjoying what I was suggesting. Partly because they trusted my judgment. I just looked the part of a professional, so it wasn’t hard convincing people that I knew what was best. The meeting was getting good. Heaven was off to the side playing with her classmates.

Jeremey called and said he was outside with little Jay. I had to excuse myself and go get my baby. At the time LJ was about 5 months. When I came back of course people were ranting and raving about how adorable he was. Even mentioning that I didn’t even look like I had a baby that small, let alone 2. I was holding LJ and trying to still participate in the meeting. That was until he realized the breast he adored were concealed with a sweater that went all the way to my neck. Why the hell did I wear a damn turtleneck with this suit? I asked myself. He started tugging and twisting his body so that he could get to the milkies. I looked down at his baby bag to see if there was a bottle, but no. I looked down and his face looked distressed and then came that cry.

If give me the damn milk was a person, Jeremey was him. I gave in to avoid the cry. A little breast never hurt anyone. I was sure they had all seen one before. I discreetly lifted up my shirt, stuck LJ in and under my shirt. I then closed my blazer and went on taking. LJ didn’t like the blazer so he took it off his head and made sure my breast was exposed. Then he had the nerve to look at me. By this time I was like F— it. I was exhausted. I just fed him and finished the meeting. When the meeting was over, I had to gather his car seat, baby bag and my purse. I had to bargain and beg with Heaven to stop playing with her friends so that we could go home. I held her hand, carried LJ in his car seat and walked across the long parking lot. Feeling exhausted from work and parent life this day, I knew it would be some challenging days ahead of us.

Tahnee Cole

A Preteen, A Preschooler, A Puppy & A Pandemic

“Have a kid” they said…

“Get a puppy” they said…

I’m joking!  I love my little family, but I will say the family dynamic has changed since we added our little PUPPY Apollo to our clan. Yes, he is a great little addition. All sweet and cuddly, but he Demands ATTENTION! I forgot how much work goes into having a dog since we haven’t had a puppy since 2013. Honestly, I am enjoying him and it is helping me stay on track with morning exercise.

Right now we are all stuck inside because of the Coronavirus, but this is forcing me to make changes with my routine. I am focusing on bonding and what matters most.

Homeschooling while working from home is no joke. It is so easy to complain, but honestly I have so much to be thankful for. My children being able to stay home with me and having a career that can transition to work from home is more than a blessing.

I have a PRETEEN who is going through major life changes and I have realized that she needs me more than I thought. See sometimes as our children grow older we set them free a little. We don’t want to seem like we are smothering them and we encourage more independence.  We just watch them from the sideline. However, I have realized that my daughter needs me more now, and with the daily rush of being a career mom I have very little time to just focus on her.

Our days are moving fast and this PANDEMIC has made us all slow down a little. I was able to sit down with my daughter as I worked from home and before my son got up and we just talked and talked. We discussed everything that was going on in school.  I was able to listen and give feedback without judgement. We both felt really good and relieve afterwards. We even set some personal goals together.

Plus, I have a sweet little four year old PRESCHOOLER who has been adjusting to PRE-K life. Days before our official lockdown his favorite preschool teacher passed away. Which was a major loss for our family and his school community. Even though he is happy to be home with his family, he misses his friends. And he is concerned if he will even start kindergarten this year. Everything is uncertain right now, but what I am certain of is that with every storm is a rainbow and every bad time births a blessing.

SO HOW AM I MANAGING LIFE NOW?

I am taking it slow, doing what I can and putting love at the center of all my days.

 

-Tahnee Cole

The Kids Are Off For 3 Weeks…

So I know if you are a working/career mom you may be in a bit of a frenzy. It is already a lot preparing for Spring break, Summer Break and unexpected days off here and there.  Yet, 3 whole weeks is a different battle!

Honey, parents all over the world are like, “WHAT IN THE HECK?”

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Well, I want to give you a few tips to help you prepare for this week. Some tips that can help you find reliable care for your children. To give you peace in your mind and help maintain your sanity.

 

LEGGGOOOOOO….

1. CO-PARENTING- This is the time to WORK TOGETHER! You are a family unit regardless of the situation. During a crisis families should stick together. Find a way to split time up so that the children can be in both of your care during this three week school hiatus. Be fair. Be fun!

 2. GRANDPARENTS- Most grandparents love spending time with the grands. This is the time to send the kids with the grands (if you can)! I  know a friend who is driving her kids a few cities away to be with their grandparents during this time.  I know that my kids will be spending time with their grandparents during this time. I will be packing them up some food though. I don’t want them to get put out for eating everything, joking!

3. YOUR MAMA TRIBE/ FRIENDS- Do you have some moms who are at home? Stay at home moms? Or moms who work a different shift that would be willing to help out? Sometimes if you pay for help the results are much quicker. Most people need a little extra cash and would be willing to help during this emergency time. Keep in contact with your mama tribe, even if that means asking for suggestions.

4. WORK FROM HOME- If you are like me and work in Finance/ Accounting, you probably take a laptop home every night. Ask your Supervisor if he/she can accommodate you to work from home a few days if not the duration of this extended break. Let them know that you are going to still be able to give 100%. We want to encourage them to be willing to allow this courtesy and convenience. Obviously, you still have to be a strong performer despite the circumstances.

5. COMPANY RESOURCES- You work hard and your employer provides compensation and benefits. USE THEM! Get in contact with your HR representative and ask about extended leaves of absence, time off and benefits to accommodate you during emergencies. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!!  I know the company that I work for is very family friendly. They provide a resource called Bright Horizons. Bright Horizon helps you find quality child care, Nannies and Nursing home facilities (elder family members) at a discount. Especially, during emergency circumstances. Reach out to find out how the company you work for can help you.

As always, I know that this will not help everyone. I am praying that we all get through this time happy and healthy. I also hope that you all will have some peace knowing that this too shall pass. Remember to stay positive, stay focused and stay committed. Love you all!

Tahnee Cole

“The MOMMY MOTIVATOR”

 

mommy life

BABY MAMA SERIES: 7 HABITS TO HEAL

Dealing with post relationship trauma is not easy. Especially, when a child or children are involved. However, you can still manage to have a productive and healthy co-parenting relationship and happy life.

On a road to recovery there are things that you must do on a consistent basis to make sure that you are being your best self.

So, things didn’t work out. He left or you had to leave. You may feel guilt that you are not providing a two parent household for your child or children, but that’s life. Nothing is promised. People’s feelings and emotions vary day to day. Life happens and no situation is perfect.

Here are some tips:

1. Accept it-

Don’t ignore your emotions. Don’t keep daydreaming that everything will mend and the perfect family will return. Accept how you feel. It is ok to be angry, upset, or even sad. Allow your body to feel the emotions, no suppressing. Accept the place your life is right now but remember it will get greater later!

2. Focus on your child-

The center of this union is your child and that is exactly where your focus should be. I feel like putting the focus on making your child happy will keep you in line with what is more important. Most parents motives are pure when it comes to their children, so putting a focus on them will eliminate the need for being vindictive and petty. I’m not saying forget about you, but your child needs a fair chance at loving both parents without confusion or judgement.

3. Focus on you-

In addition to focusing on your child at some point you will have to focus on you. Do your best. Quit worrying about the other parent. Some “baby mamas” can’t heal of move on, because they are FB stalking their kids dad or mad because he isn’t contributing. You can’t help that, but you can help what you do. Focus on  your glow up and you will do just that!

 

4. Set boundaries-

Stop entertaining BS unrelated to your child. Is it possible your ex is doing petty things to make you upset or jealous? Absolutely. Be upfront about your concerns and expectations when it comes to your role in your child’s life and then move on. Honestly, you CANNOT control what happens when the child is at the other parent’s house. But what you can do is cut off anything that allows you to see the nonsense. Establish a way to communicate, a place to meet and a drop off and pick up  schedule. Those are all ways to minimize foolery (if you co-parent). If the dad is totally out of the picture and does not want to be, you got to move on without him!

 

5. Physical Contact/ Sexual Contact-

A lot of women are still saying “I did not have sexual relations with my baby daddy” (In my Bill Clinton voice). Be honest Sis, a lot of women go back to the familiar, but seriously if you want to cut the attachment and establish some respect, you must quit. Check out my article NO SEX WITH THE EX

6. Set goals-

Instead of you starting to worry too much on what things are not right, focus on improving your life every year. Focus on your goals and what you can do better. Focusing on improving yourself and your kids will help you put a less focus on irrelevant things you can’t control.

 

7. Have Patience-

With any situation have patience with the progress, yourself and others. Nothing improves overnight. Focus on staying committed, positive and focused. Celebrate minor milestones and understand that you will have setbacks, but they will set you up for later success.  Just keep going. You got this Sis!

 

Tahnee Cole

“The Mommy Motivator”

 

THE “BABY MAMA” SERIES: MENTAL HEALTH

Let me tell you the double standard…

I was talking to some coworkers about a story on the news. A dad was so stressed out that he came home killed his children and himself. As we discussed how sad it was a few of my co-workers started bashing the mother.

surprised

What type of mom let the dad have custody? She had to be a shitty mom for the dad to get custody. She knew his mental state!

And of course my favorite: If they were the mom, their kids would not have been with a dad like that.  

I listened before I gave them my 20 cents. I would say 2 cents, but yawl know that I am long-winded.

I started my speech with, ” But if she didn’t send the kids to their dad’s she would be considered a bitter baby mama or bitter bitch. Judged for depriving her kids from having a healthy connection and relationship with their father.”

So I guess its a lose, lose for this mom. She may have very well told the court system, police or even family that she seen some mental imbalance in her children’s father, but it is very hard to prove that in court. Especially, without a thorough medical diagnosis or a criminal history,

The baby mother is the most criticized stereotyped party in the baby making pair. I often hear people say things such as: She needs to get over it, and move on. Let that man see his kids. So does it truly matter the mental state the dad is in? And the audacity to give the dad a pass for his mental state; however, moms are expected to be strong despite their tribulations.

I can’t help but feel like every breakup where a baby mama is involved,  it turns into a bash party. So if she takes a stand to protect her kids, she is a bitter bitch.  It doesn’t matter is she is sending her kids to the dads house, and he has an unstable girlfriend. One who secretly hates her just because she is the mother of his child (there are women like that). How safe is that environment for her child?

She better send them.

It doesn’t matter if dad has a hoe house with different chicks watching the kids while he is out kicking it.

She better send them.

So baby mamas are put in rough predicaments and placed under huge judgements and scrutiny.

Let take a minute and think about your friend(s) who was discarded, left by the baby daddy of perhaps things just didn’t work out. This woman is now dealing with raising a child/children on her own , many times completely alone. Honestly, visitation does not equate to shared custody. Hell shared custody sometimes ain’t 50/50. Many times, the mom has to deal with mental overload. The emotions of her child due to the back and forth tug of war, as well as, her own emotions.

I remember when my son was still small and was going to his dad’s house. I was still nursing him, I remember as my breast were filling up with more milk I was developing more anxiety. It didn’t help that when I would text his dad to check on him, he would be petty and ignore my text.

That was a lot to handle for a mom suffering postpartum depression, having a small child spend nights away and still trying to maintain sanity with working and raising another child.  Moms constantly worry about their children and there should be respectable communication between the parents. But hey, send him to dad right?  Society says, “toughen up baby mama!”

Never mind the importance of a child being nurtured and cared by their mother during their vital early years. Never mind the emotions a woman has postpartum, and the support she needs as well. Never mind that it is difficult to properly nurture your child when you are dealing with distress, drama, lack of stability and a fucked up judicial system.

The general consensus is that the mom has to give her baby over regardless of the mental, physical or emotional abuse she suffers. On the flipside, the moms who do hand their child over are judged when shit goes wrong. Just like the mom I told you about earlier.

Of course, every situation is different and there are some baby mamas who are the cause of many issues. But that doesn’t represent all. My point is think twice before you judge anyone and you don’t know their story.

It is extremely important that we acknowledge and support our baby mothers too, as they play a major role in shaping our future. Instead of being looked down upon they need to be uplifted and cared for. The village is not just for the child. We are a village and we must keep uplifting all parties that reside in this shared space.

-Tahnee Cole