Stupid Sh*t People Say to Career Moms

A lot of people look at the career mom as a Super- heroine. A lot of people make me laugh with their misconceptions and small mindedness.

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Many women are working outside of the home nowadays and maintaining lucrative careers.

Women are breadwinners and for many that is admirable. Women of today are being praised for duality and viewed as strong, resilient and examples of leadership. Slogans like, The future is her… is an example of the evolution of women.  Many of the most successful women also hold the title, “MOM”!

 However, there is a latter, and we know that no good deed goes unpunished, and no decisions comes without judgement.

The truth is, WE career moms are still ridiculed and talked about by others often. We are always asked how we balance everything, as if there is a definitive answer.  As soon as my child misbehaves in school I am blamed for my career taking top precedence in my life versus being a mother. We are accused of being selfish women, who are more concerned with our professional and monetary success instead of the well-being of our children.

The suggested well-being is for all moms to stay home and nurture their children ideally until they are able to attend school.

While I am for the idea of nurturing and spending time with your kids, I am sure that all moms would not benefit their child or themselves with this arrangement. Truth is, some moms work best when they get time away from their children to take care or fulfill their dreams. Is that selfish? Well that’s a personal opinion…

But how productive and how happy will a mom be if she spends days with her kids while feeling like she is neglecting her dreams financially and personally? Many women who do this often resent their life and sadly their children. With resentment comes triggers that may even cause mental health issues.

I made this post because I have been told some stupid things when found out I am a career mom and I’m honestly sick of the ignorance.

Below are 5 of the most stupid things I have heard and my response to the comments and questions.

1. Don’t you miss your kids?

Five words come to mind when I get asked this question, “you gotta be freaking kidding me!”  That is certainly a milder version of what is actually in my head. Honestly, what kind of question is that? Me being the smart ass I am, I usually say things like, “Absolutely not.”  Why wouldn’t I miss my kids and asking me does not make me feel any better. I am sure I am not the only mom to hear this foolery.

2. If you could have a million dollars, would you stay at home with your kids?

First of all, being at work does not always equate the need for money All career moms are not just money motivated. It may just be a personal desire of the mother to have a career. However, there are many moms who are concerned with financial compensation so obviously that is why they are working. If we had a million dollars we all would probably be making different choices but seriously…

3. Do you feel like someone else is raising your kids?

Of all the questions and comments this ranks high with disrespect. How dare could you compare raising, to me involving necessary helpful partners to accompanying me with my children’s development. First of all, it takes a village to raise a child and whether you like it or not, other sources will be necessary in the proper development of your child. Your child will need other people besides you at some point. Other perspectives and expertise to help them grow and be more multi-dimensional.

4. Do you feel bad when you miss out on events?

My first thought is: What makes you think I am missing out on all the events? Obviously, as a working parent there will be things that I miss. Honestly, I try to make as many events that I can. Me not showing up to support my kids is extremely rare. But seriously, no parent wants to be asked a question like that because the answer is pretty evident.

5. Do you feel like your kids would benefit better from you staying home vs working?

This question used to bother me a lot because growing up with a stay at home mom I could obviously see the benefits in how I was nurtured. It made me feel like I was slighting and depriving my children from a enriched life. However, I am learning to stop comparing my childhood and circumstances to my children. I also believe that whatever is best for my children will present itself and become our reality as long as I am aligned with my purpose.

With that being said, I hope all career moms understand you are not alone. People will support you and others will judge you. Keep going, you got this mama!

Tahnee Cole

A Preteen, A Preschooler, A Puppy & A Pandemic

“Have a kid” they said…

“Get a puppy” they said…

I’m joking!  I love my little family, but I will say the family dynamic has changed since we added our little PUPPY Apollo to our clan. Yes, he is a great little addition. All sweet and cuddly, but he Demands ATTENTION! I forgot how much work goes into having a dog since we haven’t had a puppy since 2013. Honestly, I am enjoying him and it is helping me stay on track with morning exercise.

Right now we are all stuck inside because of the Coronavirus, but this is forcing me to make changes with my routine. I am focusing on bonding and what matters most.

Homeschooling while working from home is no joke. It is so easy to complain, but honestly I have so much to be thankful for. My children being able to stay home with me and having a career that can transition to work from home is more than a blessing.

I have a PRETEEN who is going through major life changes and I have realized that she needs me more than I thought. See sometimes as our children grow older we set them free a little. We don’t want to seem like we are smothering them and we encourage more independence.  We just watch them from the sideline. However, I have realized that my daughter needs me more now, and with the daily rush of being a career mom I have very little time to just focus on her.

Our days are moving fast and this PANDEMIC has made us all slow down a little. I was able to sit down with my daughter as I worked from home and before my son got up and we just talked and talked. We discussed everything that was going on in school.  I was able to listen and give feedback without judgement. We both felt really good and relieve afterwards. We even set some personal goals together.

Plus, I have a sweet little four year old PRESCHOOLER who has been adjusting to PRE-K life. Days before our official lockdown his favorite preschool teacher passed away. Which was a major loss for our family and his school community. Even though he is happy to be home with his family, he misses his friends. And he is concerned if he will even start kindergarten this year. Everything is uncertain right now, but what I am certain of is that with every storm is a rainbow and every bad time births a blessing.

SO HOW AM I MANAGING LIFE NOW?

I am taking it slow, doing what I can and putting love at the center of all my days.

 

-Tahnee Cole

PEACE, LOVE & MOTHERHOOD

As I sit here and sip my tea, I think about what so many Mommy Bloggers contribute to my life. I am so inspired by this era of women. I am so proud of especially black moms, who are branching out and sharing their unique motherhood journey.

Whenever I go to THE MOM IN ME BLOG… https://www.themominmeblog.com/ I feel a sense of peace and connection to my higher self. I am not sure how I found Blogger Mom Princess, but honey she has blessed me!!! She is a wife, mom of 3 cuties, a planter, herbalist, yogi, business owner, and so much more. I got a chance to talk to her about how she incorporates PEACE into mom life. We know mom life can be chaotic.  So she spilled a little of her tea on how to enhance your motherhood journey and overall well-being.

PRINCESS SAID…

“Incorporating peace while juggling being a mom is not an easy task. Even I have days where I lose my shit, so I am most definitely not always in a peaceful mood.”

She explains that it starts from the moment you close your eyes for the night. This sets the tone for the following day. Sleep peacefully, wake up peacefully.

So not only is Princess concerned about the day, but also how she maintains her well-being the following day. Which is extremely important.

 

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“Meditation before bed is important to me. I actually fall asleep faster because of it. I often fall asleep before I even finish mediating. In the mornings, my routine consists of tea, meditation and yoga. And throughout the day, even if it’s just for 30 seconds, I meditate.”

 

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“Taking time to regroup and breathe is more important than people think. It only takes a few seconds to regroup. Those seconds make a huge difference. I took yoga in high school, and actually went to anger management (my high school had a health clinic inside, sponsored by the local hospital. They provide free services). That’s when it all began. I started meditating and doing yoga before I left for school. Then I’d do yoga at school. It was one of the classes offered for physical education. I had a lot of built up anger from childhood. I was angry ALL THE TIME, for NO REASON.”

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Blogger Mom Princess explains that at one point she actually got away from meditating and doing yoga. Life was too stressful for her to focus on it. She came back to it in 2013 and I’m glad she did. She has even created a bonus room upstairs in her home for her yoga space and a pole for fitness. So she is able to get away and have time for herself.  She jokes that she tells her husband Dwight that she is going upstairs and everyone knows not to bother her. Its another way for her to relieve stress and become one with nature.

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Some of her favorite hobbies are playing her guitar and writing poetry. I was interested to know this because I also have a love for writing poetry. Princess started writing poetry since 13 and often turned her poems into song.

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One of my biggest questions for Princess was how she represents healthy physical and mental well-being for her children and she said this…

“As far as my children when it comes to physical and mental health, I try my best to allow them to express themselves as they please. Of course with guided input from Dwight and I. But we don’t want them to do things just because it’s what we do. Freedom of expression is important for mental health. They like to join me during yoga sessions. They like helping in the garden. So I try to encourage them when I see they are interested. Make it fun and it doesn’t seem like work, if that makes sense. “

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Princess wants her blog and social media to be a  platform for people to learn how to be a better version of themselves. She has a lot of different projects that she is working on that will be on the blog soon. Including an intention journal, an eBook for blogging tips, and more free (and paid) videos on yoga and meditation. She wants people to know that they don’t have to put a limit on what they can do or learn.

Princess you inspire us! Keep doing what you do girl and we will be checking you out on https://www.themominmeblog.com/!

The Kids Are Off For 3 Weeks…

So I know if you are a working/career mom you may be in a bit of a frenzy. It is already a lot preparing for Spring break, Summer Break and unexpected days off here and there.  Yet, 3 whole weeks is a different battle!

Honey, parents all over the world are like, “WHAT IN THE HECK?”

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Well, I want to give you a few tips to help you prepare for this week. Some tips that can help you find reliable care for your children. To give you peace in your mind and help maintain your sanity.

 

LEGGGOOOOOO….

1. CO-PARENTING- This is the time to WORK TOGETHER! You are a family unit regardless of the situation. During a crisis families should stick together. Find a way to split time up so that the children can be in both of your care during this three week school hiatus. Be fair. Be fun!

 2. GRANDPARENTS- Most grandparents love spending time with the grands. This is the time to send the kids with the grands (if you can)! I  know a friend who is driving her kids a few cities away to be with their grandparents during this time.  I know that my kids will be spending time with their grandparents during this time. I will be packing them up some food though. I don’t want them to get put out for eating everything, joking!

3. YOUR MAMA TRIBE/ FRIENDS- Do you have some moms who are at home? Stay at home moms? Or moms who work a different shift that would be willing to help out? Sometimes if you pay for help the results are much quicker. Most people need a little extra cash and would be willing to help during this emergency time. Keep in contact with your mama tribe, even if that means asking for suggestions.

4. WORK FROM HOME- If you are like me and work in Finance/ Accounting, you probably take a laptop home every night. Ask your Supervisor if he/she can accommodate you to work from home a few days if not the duration of this extended break. Let them know that you are going to still be able to give 100%. We want to encourage them to be willing to allow this courtesy and convenience. Obviously, you still have to be a strong performer despite the circumstances.

5. COMPANY RESOURCES- You work hard and your employer provides compensation and benefits. USE THEM! Get in contact with your HR representative and ask about extended leaves of absence, time off and benefits to accommodate you during emergencies. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!!  I know the company that I work for is very family friendly. They provide a resource called Bright Horizons. Bright Horizon helps you find quality child care, Nannies and Nursing home facilities (elder family members) at a discount. Especially, during emergency circumstances. Reach out to find out how the company you work for can help you.

As always, I know that this will not help everyone. I am praying that we all get through this time happy and healthy. I also hope that you all will have some peace knowing that this too shall pass. Remember to stay positive, stay focused and stay committed. Love you all!

Tahnee Cole

“The MOMMY MOTIVATOR”

 

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The Bitter Baby Mama…

Remember the bitter baby mama, yeah that’s what you called her.

You first saw her in the grocery store, right? She was standing there yelling at her kids, using all types of profanity.

“Don’t touch a motha…” Is how she started her first sentence. Telling her three kids to keep their hands to themselves.

She looked tired and worn out, but you didn’t give a damn. Even though you saw her five year old touch the M&Ms 10 times, after she said not to, you judge her. Harshly. You said she was a pathetic mama to talk to her kids like that.

And when you overheard her saying she was a single mama, you rolled your eyes.

You said to yourself, “how could she take it out on her kids? They didn’t ask to be here. Nobody should have to suffer behind her poor choices.

Another bitter baby mama.

You looked down upon her with disgust, as you guarded your children as if you were blocking them from some contagious rare disease. You watched her struggle to carry her baby, push the cart with several grocery bags and walk in her raggedy high heel shoes.

You even joked with your partner and said she was probably on the government’s assistance. She probably bought her groceries with her EBT card. You didn’t know that woman, but you threw so much dirt on her name you would have thought it was planting season.

Then you watched her grabbed all her groceries and walk to the bus stop. A baby on her arm, one barely walking and an older child trying to carry as many groceries as he could. He was filled with shame too.

“These kids deserve a mom they could be proud!” Is what you had the nerve to say.

You were looking from the outside in, thinking you had it all figured out. You saw her rolling her eyes defensively sitting with her three kids at the bus stop.

You stared at her and said, “How could she be so stupid” Nobody told her to open her legs and have kids before she got married. Why wasn’t she on birth control?

You even said she is probably one of those women who won’t let the man see his kids, put him on child support and hate any new chick he dates. The drama type. The bitter baby mama type.

You gathered that all in one trip to the store. Never spoke to this woman one time. Didn’t even know her name.

 

Well, Fast-forward…

It is funny how life flips. When you got home one day, the love of your life let you know that he wanted to move on.

After 15 yrs of playing house, he confessed he had not been happy in years, He wanted to find himself (whatever the hell that means) and you didn’t do it for him anymore.

He left and never looked back. You called to ask if he would drop money off or the kids, but he wouldn’t respond. Now you are contemplating on putting him on child support.

The kids are hungry and you have to go to the grocery store. Taking them to the store without help is not something that you are used to.

The trip to the store is a disaster.

Your kids are crying and grabbing items, the people at the back of the line are giving you the same looks you gave, well the bitter baby mama.

After the grocery store chaos, you sit down in your car exhausted. Putting groceries in the trunk and strapping kids in by yourself is no joke.  You open up your IG for a quick second and you see your ex with his new woman, you are furious.

Of all days, your car won’t start. Nobody can give you a ride, so you have to wait for triple A.

Now you are waiting for the tow truck, with crying hungry kids in the back. With tears in your eyes.

You stare intently at the same bus stop that sat the mom you judged. You finally felt remorse for your ignorance, you felt sorry. You became exactly who you judged. Finally, you understood her pain and sympathized for her story.

This made your understand the importance of never ever looking down or judging anyone, because the tables can turn.

As you focused on your kids, and the anger your felt in your heart, you realized that now you are also viewed as the Bitter Baby Mama…

Everyone has a story.

Tahnee Cole

BABY MAMA SERIES: 7 HABITS TO HEAL

Dealing with post relationship trauma is not easy. Especially, when a child or children are involved. However, you can still manage to have a productive and healthy co-parenting relationship and happy life.

On a road to recovery there are things that you must do on a consistent basis to make sure that you are being your best self.

So, things didn’t work out. He left or you had to leave. You may feel guilt that you are not providing a two parent household for your child or children, but that’s life. Nothing is promised. People’s feelings and emotions vary day to day. Life happens and no situation is perfect.

Here are some tips:

1. Accept it-

Don’t ignore your emotions. Don’t keep daydreaming that everything will mend and the perfect family will return. Accept how you feel. It is ok to be angry, upset, or even sad. Allow your body to feel the emotions, no suppressing. Accept the place your life is right now but remember it will get greater later!

2. Focus on your child-

The center of this union is your child and that is exactly where your focus should be. I feel like putting the focus on making your child happy will keep you in line with what is more important. Most parents motives are pure when it comes to their children, so putting a focus on them will eliminate the need for being vindictive and petty. I’m not saying forget about you, but your child needs a fair chance at loving both parents without confusion or judgement.

3. Focus on you-

In addition to focusing on your child at some point you will have to focus on you. Do your best. Quit worrying about the other parent. Some “baby mamas” can’t heal of move on, because they are FB stalking their kids dad or mad because he isn’t contributing. You can’t help that, but you can help what you do. Focus on  your glow up and you will do just that!

 

4. Set boundaries-

Stop entertaining BS unrelated to your child. Is it possible your ex is doing petty things to make you upset or jealous? Absolutely. Be upfront about your concerns and expectations when it comes to your role in your child’s life and then move on. Honestly, you CANNOT control what happens when the child is at the other parent’s house. But what you can do is cut off anything that allows you to see the nonsense. Establish a way to communicate, a place to meet and a drop off and pick up  schedule. Those are all ways to minimize foolery (if you co-parent). If the dad is totally out of the picture and does not want to be, you got to move on without him!

 

5. Physical Contact/ Sexual Contact-

A lot of women are still saying “I did not have sexual relations with my baby daddy” (In my Bill Clinton voice). Be honest Sis, a lot of women go back to the familiar, but seriously if you want to cut the attachment and establish some respect, you must quit. Check out my article NO SEX WITH THE EX

6. Set goals-

Instead of you starting to worry too much on what things are not right, focus on improving your life every year. Focus on your goals and what you can do better. Focusing on improving yourself and your kids will help you put a less focus on irrelevant things you can’t control.

 

7. Have Patience-

With any situation have patience with the progress, yourself and others. Nothing improves overnight. Focus on staying committed, positive and focused. Celebrate minor milestones and understand that you will have setbacks, but they will set you up for later success.  Just keep going. You got this Sis!

 

Tahnee Cole

“The Mommy Motivator”

 

You’re a Bitter Baby Mama, Own it!

Her eyes were red as my Ruby Woo lipstick. She got in the car and didn’t even speak. I didn’t take it personal though. I knew why she was angry and I felt her. I kept telling her she needed a holistic detox (I will speak on that later), but she was too concerned about getting even with her children’s father.

She didn’t say hello, but she said, ” Tahnee I f*cking hate him. I wish he was dead. Honest to God I do.”

I decided to listen instead of giving her any input, sometimes people need an ear and not your tongue.

“He called me bitter. Can you believe that? I’m far from bitter, pissed off but not bitter. Tahnee am I bitter?” she asked.

I took a sip of my coffee, pulled my hair behind my ear and glanced at my friend. She was beautiful. She was blessed with smooth chocolate skin, wavy curly hair and full ‘Kylie Jenner wish she had’ lips, but her anger had distorted her features. She now wore pain. The angry black woman grimace paired with the stank face is not a good look at all.

“You are, but its understandable. You got a lot on your plate. Your fairytale didn’t have an happy ending so far, so now you are stressed. Look sis, its perfectly fine to be a little bitter, but don’t stay there.”

My advice to any bitter baby mama.

But don’t stay there…

Many mamas hate that the word “bitter” precedes “baby mama” many times.

They refuse to accept it when their actions display otherwise.

I always say that it is perfectly fine to be upset, be hurt, be bitter, but it is not ok to stay in that place.

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL. SO MANY PEOPLE TRY TO FAKE IT, TO MAKE IT. THEY POP ONE TO AVOID THE FEELING. PRETEND THEY DON’T NEED THERPY AND IGNORE HOW THEY FEEL. EVENTUALLY,THEY HAVE MELTDOWNS, ANXIETY ATTACKS, AND THEY WILL CRASH AND BURN.

They hurt others and themselves. Plus, they never allow their hurt and pain to manifest into healing and growth. Admitting is the first step to recovery. You should never allow anyone to tell you what you should not be. Initially, any breakup can breed negative feelings especially when a child or children are involved. However, you don’t have to always be in that sunken place.

You will need to have the strength to encourage not only yourself, but your life partner which is your baby daddy. You are broken up, but in many ways still together. Hating them is hypocritical if you say you love your child, because that is hating a major part of your child. You can’t hate your kids father and teach your child love and respect. Your child needs a fair chance at loving their parent without you distorting their perception.

Once you accept this and begin working on you, growth will occur. The goal is to be better and not bitter. If you are not there at this point, that is fine. Own it, work on it and move forward.

 

Tahnee Cole

 

THE “BABY MAMA” SERIES: MENTAL HEALTH

Let me tell you the double standard…

I was talking to some coworkers about a story on the news. A dad was so stressed out that he came home killed his children and himself. As we discussed how sad it was a few of my co-workers started bashing the mother.

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What type of mom let the dad have custody? She had to be a shitty mom for the dad to get custody. She knew his mental state!

And of course my favorite: If they were the mom, their kids would not have been with a dad like that.  

I listened before I gave them my 20 cents. I would say 2 cents, but yawl know that I am long-winded.

I started my speech with, ” But if she didn’t send the kids to their dad’s she would be considered a bitter baby mama or bitter bitch. Judged for depriving her kids from having a healthy connection and relationship with their father.”

So I guess its a lose, lose for this mom. She may have very well told the court system, police or even family that she seen some mental imbalance in her children’s father, but it is very hard to prove that in court. Especially, without a thorough medical diagnosis or a criminal history,

The baby mother is the most criticized stereotyped party in the baby making pair. I often hear people say things such as: She needs to get over it, and move on. Let that man see his kids. So does it truly matter the mental state the dad is in? And the audacity to give the dad a pass for his mental state; however, moms are expected to be strong despite their tribulations.

I can’t help but feel like every breakup where a baby mama is involved,  it turns into a bash party. So if she takes a stand to protect her kids, she is a bitter bitch.  It doesn’t matter is she is sending her kids to the dads house, and he has an unstable girlfriend. One who secretly hates her just because she is the mother of his child (there are women like that). How safe is that environment for her child?

She better send them.

It doesn’t matter if dad has a hoe house with different chicks watching the kids while he is out kicking it.

She better send them.

So baby mamas are put in rough predicaments and placed under huge judgements and scrutiny.

Let take a minute and think about your friend(s) who was discarded, left by the baby daddy of perhaps things just didn’t work out. This woman is now dealing with raising a child/children on her own , many times completely alone. Honestly, visitation does not equate to shared custody. Hell shared custody sometimes ain’t 50/50. Many times, the mom has to deal with mental overload. The emotions of her child due to the back and forth tug of war, as well as, her own emotions.

I remember when my son was still small and was going to his dad’s house. I was still nursing him, I remember as my breast were filling up with more milk I was developing more anxiety. It didn’t help that when I would text his dad to check on him, he would be petty and ignore my text.

That was a lot to handle for a mom suffering postpartum depression, having a small child spend nights away and still trying to maintain sanity with working and raising another child.  Moms constantly worry about their children and there should be respectable communication between the parents. But hey, send him to dad right?  Society says, “toughen up baby mama!”

Never mind the importance of a child being nurtured and cared by their mother during their vital early years. Never mind the emotions a woman has postpartum, and the support she needs as well. Never mind that it is difficult to properly nurture your child when you are dealing with distress, drama, lack of stability and a fucked up judicial system.

The general consensus is that the mom has to give her baby over regardless of the mental, physical or emotional abuse she suffers. On the flipside, the moms who do hand their child over are judged when shit goes wrong. Just like the mom I told you about earlier.

Of course, every situation is different and there are some baby mamas who are the cause of many issues. But that doesn’t represent all. My point is think twice before you judge anyone and you don’t know their story.

It is extremely important that we acknowledge and support our baby mothers too, as they play a major role in shaping our future. Instead of being looked down upon they need to be uplifted and cared for. The village is not just for the child. We are a village and we must keep uplifting all parties that reside in this shared space.

-Tahnee Cole

Pregnant after 30…

Lately, I have been entertaining the thought of having a final baby. Only because I have started to really consider a friendship turned into a relationship and possibly marriage is the next discussion. But, the thought of having a baby after 30 is scary to me, especially since I am 34..

How could I not have a baby for my husband?

My friend at work was discussing that her aunt had her final baby at 43. She had tried for a girl 4 times and finally conceived her on her 5th try. I’m kind of glad I got one of each because it truly gave me the opportunity to say I could stop at two, but Idk…

I was definitely born to be a mom, but I also want to enjoy some of my life too without very small children depending on me. I still say that at least by 40 I would have an adult child, a pre-teen and then maybe if I had one within a year or so, one starting school…

There is so much to think about when it comes to starting and raising a family together. Especially, when it comes to starting over as a blended family. The last few years if I would date a man and he wanted more kids, I would instantly stop dating him. I was convinced I was done. However, just recently my little ovaries has been jumping when I see a baby. Preferably another baby girl.

Then I hear the horror stories about the women in their mid 30s going through very rough life threatening pregnancies. God knows I was sick as a dog during both my pregnancies, suffering from severe morning sickness, but I survived.

I keep thinking to myself that my desires only come from the fact that my children are getting older and more independent. As a mom, you can have the tendency to rely on your children needing to be nurtured by you as a way to establish your identity.  So as your children need you less it can be scary.

Maybe it is the fact that my son is finally off the breast and starting school soon. Maybe it is because my daughter will be a teenager this year.

As parents, when we are going through the tough baby phase we cannot wait until our children grow, but as they grow you tend to miss the same moments that stressed you out.

At this point in my life, if the relationship grows into a beautiful marriage, I will be open to having another baby.  However, I am not planning on more children without a solid foundation of trust and security. Even then it is not always promised that things will work out. Still, I will remain positive and let God lead.

Mom life is a beautiful life. Family is a blessing. Only God knows what life is in store for me.

  • Tahnee Cole

F*ck him, how is that for therapy? #parentingwithanincarceratedparent

Hey Mamas,

I started therapy a year ago.

In secret. I didn’t want my family to judge me. I didn’t grow up on therapy, I grew up on prayer.

To be honest, it was surface level at first. I didn’t truly want to step out of my comfort zone because, “I’m strong”.

As a matter of fact, I am identified as one of the strongest ones in my family. So how was I supposed to be vulnerable? Especially, with someone who doesn’t know shit about me.

So I looked at therapy to discuss the issues I had with others (their faults) and downplay my own.

I’m not the problem, they are. It’s Tahnee’s world and they just live in it.

However, just recently Heaven attended therapy with me to discuss her issues she was dealing with, in regards to her dad being incarcerated.

Then my eyes were opened.

We had a group therapy session and my daughter let the cat out the bag.
I was insensitive about her dad being away. I had grown to have a fuck him, he made a poor decision, attitude. Which was different from how I use to feel.

The truth is, Heaven’s dad was my official first love and I was crushed when he had been sentenced to 25 years in prison.

But the distance and burden of me having to raise a young child on my own had turned me cold towards him.

The allegations involved declared him guilty for the murder of a woman known as a prostitute.   Yet, even though the evidence that was used to convict him was sketchy, I remember feeling humiliated in court. Sexual favors for cash? And now because of his foolishness my daughter could never have a father & daughter dance.

Of course, I was his ride or die chick pleading to the judge letter after letter, visiting and accepting those high ass phone calls.

I remember one day he had asked me to buy an electronic and I snapped.

How the hell was I going to support him and my daughter? Who was supporting me?

His anger for being locked up made him take things out on me and we slowly began to fall apart. I mean we never stopped talking, but things have never been  the same…

Fast forward to today and through therapy,  I realized that my material over-compensating for his missing presence was not helping my daughter heal. Nor was it filling the voids.

The fact of the matter was, he was missing and she was missing him.

But I was confused, she didn’t want to visit him in jail and they spoke on the phone often so..what was I supposed to do?

I was instantly defensive, “Heaven what am I supposed to do, he fucked up not me, I’m here?” 

The therapist let me speak and then said , “Heaven can you tell me how you feel about your mom’s statement.

No she’s right. I love my mom, but she feels how she feel.” Heaven said with her head down.

I was about to get defensive again, but I was quiet.

Heaven had basically showed me the issue. I was shutting her down when she had explained her feelings about her dad and now my baby wasn’t comfortable talking to me.

I had my dad so I had no understanding of how she felt and showed no compassion (not intentionally).

My heart meant well, but my delivery was shitty.

I spent days explaining to my daughter the statistics of children with an incarcerated parent, and drilling in her head that she has to succeed regardless of the numbers.

Explaining to her not to use her dad’s absence as an excuse to do less in life and to survive off the one parent she has, that is rooting for her.

Telling her to get over the fact her dad was missing, is not right.

This hard truth has helped me realize my flaws as a parent, but also as a woman who obviously has not healed from this situation.

To be continued…