A lot of people look at the career mom as a Super- heroine. A lot of people make me laugh with their misconceptions and small mindedness.
“The Mommy Motivator”
Her eyes were red as my Ruby Woo lipstick. She got in the car and didn’t even speak. I didn’t take it personal though. I knew why she was angry and I felt her. I kept telling her she needed a holistic detox (I will speak on that later), but she was too concerned about getting even with her children’s father.
She didn’t say hello, but she said, ” Tahnee I f*cking hate him. I wish he was dead. Honest to God I do.”
I decided to listen instead of giving her any input, sometimes people need an ear and not your tongue.
“He called me bitter. Can you believe that? I’m far from bitter, pissed off but not bitter. Tahnee am I bitter?” she asked.
I took a sip of my coffee, pulled my hair behind my ear and glanced at my friend. She was beautiful. She was blessed with smooth chocolate skin, wavy curly hair and full ‘Kylie Jenner wish she had’ lips, but her anger had distorted her features. She now wore pain. The angry black woman grimace paired with the stank face is not a good look at all.
“You are, but its understandable. You got a lot on your plate. Your fairytale didn’t have an happy ending so far, so now you are stressed. Look sis, its perfectly fine to be a little bitter, but don’t stay there.”
My advice to any bitter baby mama.
But don’t stay there…
Many mamas hate that the word “bitter” precedes “baby mama” many times.
They refuse to accept it when their actions display otherwise.
I always say that it is perfectly fine to be upset, be hurt, be bitter, but it is not ok to stay in that place.
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL. SO MANY PEOPLE TRY TO FAKE IT, TO MAKE IT. THEY POP ONE TO AVOID THE FEELING. PRETEND THEY DON’T NEED THERPY AND IGNORE HOW THEY FEEL. EVENTUALLY,THEY HAVE MELTDOWNS, ANXIETY ATTACKS, AND THEY WILL CRASH AND BURN.
They hurt others and themselves. Plus, they never allow their hurt and pain to manifest into healing and growth. Admitting is the first step to recovery. You should never allow anyone to tell you what you should not be. Initially, any breakup can breed negative feelings especially when a child or children are involved. However, you don’t have to always be in that sunken place.
You will need to have the strength to encourage not only yourself, but your life partner which is your baby daddy. You are broken up, but in many ways still together. Hating them is hypocritical if you say you love your child, because that is hating a major part of your child. You can’t hate your kids father and teach your child love and respect. Your child needs a fair chance at loving their parent without you distorting their perception.
Once you accept this and begin working on you, growth will occur. The goal is to be better and not bitter. If you are not there at this point, that is fine. Own it, work on it and move forward.
Let me tell you the double standard…
I was talking to some coworkers about a story on the news. A dad was so stressed out that he came home killed his children and himself. As we discussed how sad it was a few of my co-workers started bashing the mother.
What type of mom let the dad have custody? She had to be a shitty mom for the dad to get custody. She knew his mental state!
And of course my favorite: If they were the mom, their kids would not have been with a dad like that.
I listened before I gave them my 20 cents. I would say 2 cents, but yawl know that I am long-winded.
I started my speech with, ” But if she didn’t send the kids to their dad’s she would be considered a bitter baby mama or bitter bitch. Judged for depriving her kids from having a healthy connection and relationship with their father.”
So I guess its a lose, lose for this mom. She may have very well told the court system, police or even family that she seen some mental imbalance in her children’s father, but it is very hard to prove that in court. Especially, without a thorough medical diagnosis or a criminal history,
The baby mother is the most criticized stereotyped party in the baby making pair. I often hear people say things such as: She needs to get over it, and move on. Let that man see his kids. So does it truly matter the mental state the dad is in? And the audacity to give the dad a pass for his mental state; however, moms are expected to be strong despite their tribulations.
I can’t help but feel like every breakup where a baby mama is involved, it turns into a bash party. So if she takes a stand to protect her kids, she is a bitter bitch. It doesn’t matter is she is sending her kids to the dads house, and he has an unstable girlfriend. One who secretly hates her just because she is the mother of his child (there are women like that). How safe is that environment for her child?
She better send them.
It doesn’t matter if dad has a hoe house with different chicks watching the kids while he is out kicking it.
She better send them.
So baby mamas are put in rough predicaments and placed under huge judgements and scrutiny.
Let take a minute and think about your friend(s) who was discarded, left by the baby daddy of perhaps things just didn’t work out. This woman is now dealing with raising a child/children on her own , many times completely alone. Honestly, visitation does not equate to shared custody. Hell shared custody sometimes ain’t 50/50. Many times, the mom has to deal with mental overload. The emotions of her child due to the back and forth tug of war, as well as, her own emotions.
I remember when my son was still small and was going to his dad’s house. I was still nursing him, I remember as my breast were filling up with more milk I was developing more anxiety. It didn’t help that when I would text his dad to check on him, he would be petty and ignore my text.
That was a lot to handle for a mom suffering postpartum depression, having a small child spend nights away and still trying to maintain sanity with working and raising another child. Moms constantly worry about their children and there should be respectable communication between the parents. But hey, send him to dad right? Society says, “toughen up baby mama!”
Never mind the importance of a child being nurtured and cared by their mother during their vital early years. Never mind the emotions a woman has postpartum, and the support she needs as well. Never mind that it is difficult to properly nurture your child when you are dealing with distress, drama, lack of stability and a fucked up judicial system.
The general consensus is that the mom has to give her baby over regardless of the mental, physical or emotional abuse she suffers. On the flipside, the moms who do hand their child over are judged when shit goes wrong. Just like the mom I told you about earlier.
Of course, every situation is different and there are some baby mamas who are the cause of many issues. But that doesn’t represent all. My point is think twice before you judge anyone and you don’t know their story.
It is extremely important that we acknowledge and support our baby mothers too, as they play a major role in shaping our future. Instead of being looked down upon they need to be uplifted and cared for. The village is not just for the child. We are a village and we must keep uplifting all parties that reside in this shared space.
Lately, I have been entertaining the thought of having a final baby. Only because I have started to really consider a friendship turned into a relationship and possibly marriage is the next discussion. But, the thought of having a baby after 30 is scary to me, especially since I am 34..
How could I not have a baby for my husband?
My friend at work was discussing that her aunt had her final baby at 43. She had tried for a girl 4 times and finally conceived her on her 5th try. I’m kind of glad I got one of each because it truly gave me the opportunity to say I could stop at two, but Idk…
I was definitely born to be a mom, but I also want to enjoy some of my life too without very small children depending on me. I still say that at least by 40 I would have an adult child, a pre-teen and then maybe if I had one within a year or so, one starting school…
There is so much to think about when it comes to starting and raising a family together. Especially, when it comes to starting over as a blended family. The last few years if I would date a man and he wanted more kids, I would instantly stop dating him. I was convinced I was done. However, just recently my little ovaries has been jumping when I see a baby. Preferably another baby girl.
Then I hear the horror stories about the women in their mid 30s going through very rough life threatening pregnancies. God knows I was sick as a dog during both my pregnancies, suffering from severe morning sickness, but I survived.
I keep thinking to myself that my desires only come from the fact that my children are getting older and more independent. As a mom, you can have the tendency to rely on your children needing to be nurtured by you as a way to establish your identity. So as your children need you less it can be scary.
Maybe it is the fact that my son is finally off the breast and starting school soon. Maybe it is because my daughter will be a teenager this year.
As parents, when we are going through the tough baby phase we cannot wait until our children grow, but as they grow you tend to miss the same moments that stressed you out.
At this point in my life, if the relationship grows into a beautiful marriage, I will be open to having another baby. However, I am not planning on more children without a solid foundation of trust and security. Even then it is not always promised that things will work out. Still, I will remain positive and let God lead.
Mom life is a beautiful life. Family is a blessing. Only God knows what life is in store for me.
I started therapy a year ago.
In secret. I didn’t want my family to judge me. I didn’t grow up on therapy, I grew up on prayer.
To be honest, it was surface level at first. I didn’t truly want to step out of my comfort zone because, “I’m strong”.
As a matter of fact, I am identified as one of the strongest ones in my family. So how was I supposed to be vulnerable? Especially, with someone who doesn’t know shit about me.
So I looked at therapy to discuss the issues I had with others (their faults) and downplay my own.
I’m not the problem, they are. It’s Tahnee’s world and they just live in it.
However, just recently Heaven attended therapy with me to discuss her issues she was dealing with, in regards to her dad being incarcerated.
Then my eyes were opened.
We had a group therapy session and my daughter let the cat out the bag.
I was insensitive about her dad being away. I had grown to have a fuck him, he made a poor decision, attitude. Which was different from how I use to feel.
The truth is, Heaven’s dad was my official first love and I was crushed when he had been sentenced to 25 years in prison.
But the distance and burden of me having to raise a young child on my own had turned me cold towards him.
The allegations involved declared him guilty for the murder of a woman known as a prostitute. Yet, even though the evidence that was used to convict him was sketchy, I remember feeling humiliated in court. Sexual favors for cash? And now because of his foolishness my daughter could never have a father & daughter dance.
Of course, I was his ride or die chick pleading to the judge letter after letter, visiting and accepting those high ass phone calls.
I remember one day he had asked me to buy an electronic and I snapped.
How the hell was I going to support him and my daughter? Who was supporting me?
His anger for being locked up made him take things out on me and we slowly began to fall apart. I mean we never stopped talking, but things have never been the same…
Fast forward to today and through therapy, I realized that my material over-compensating for his missing presence was not helping my daughter heal. Nor was it filling the voids.
The fact of the matter was, he was missing and she was missing him.
But I was confused, she didn’t want to visit him in jail and they spoke on the phone often so..what was I supposed to do?
I was about to get defensive again, but I was quiet.
Heaven had basically showed me the issue. I was shutting her down when she had explained her feelings about her dad and now my baby wasn’t comfortable talking to me.
I had my dad so I had no understanding of how she felt and showed no compassion (not intentionally).
My heart meant well, but my delivery was shitty.
I spent days explaining to my daughter the statistics of children with an incarcerated parent, and drilling in her head that she has to succeed regardless of the numbers.
Explaining to her not to use her dad’s absence as an excuse to do less in life and to survive off the one parent she has, that is rooting for her.
Telling her to get over the fact her dad was missing, is not right.
This hard truth has helped me realize my flaws as a parent, but also as a woman who obviously has not healed from this situation.
To be continued…