Changes and Children

I had to explain to my son that life would always be changing. Rarely will everything be constant, but change can be beneficial. My son is six, a very smart six year old, but like most children change can be difficult. Family structure, new schools, new living situations, etc are always to be expected as years pass by.

But like six year olds, when we don’t initiate the change we feel uncomfortable, we feel vulnerable. I explained to my son that just like him, change whether voluntary or involuntary can also take its toll on me.

For example, I am adjusting to going from corporate savvy career woman to work at home mom. Yes, I am still a savvy, corporate career woman, but now I have the opportunity to stay at home and nurture my children, my home and work in my profession. It’s a blessing and a challenge at the same time.

Have I struggled with the change? Yes. However, I have learned to adjust to those changes by seeing the positive out the situation. Also, making adjustments and working to improve what I can around the change to make the best out of it.

After having this discussion with Jeremey we talked about the perks of some of the new changes, we even discussed some new goals we were going to make as a team. I am happy that my son can confide in me when he is uncomfortable about anything and trusts me to give him encouragement and words of wisdom.
I assured Jeremey that as long as I am breathing, I will be there to help him with all of life’s changes and challenges along the way!

Does your child struggled with change?

F*ck him, how is that for therapy? #parentingwithanincarceratedparent

Hey Mamas,

I started therapy a year ago.

In secret. I didn’t want my family to judge me. I didn’t grow up on therapy, I grew up on prayer.

To be honest, it was surface level at first. I didn’t truly want to step out of my comfort zone because, “I’m strong”.

As a matter of fact, I am identified as one of the strongest ones in my family. So how was I supposed to be vulnerable? Especially, with someone who doesn’t know shit about me.

So I looked at therapy to discuss the issues I had with others (their faults) and downplay my own.

I’m not the problem, they are. It’s Tahnee’s world and they just live in it.

However, just recently Heaven attended therapy with me to discuss her issues she was dealing with, in regards to her dad being incarcerated.

Then my eyes were opened.

We had a group therapy session and my daughter let the cat out the bag.
I was insensitive about her dad being away. I had grown to have a fuck him, he made a poor decision, attitude. Which was different from how I use to feel.

The truth is, Heaven’s dad was my official first love and I was crushed when he had been sentenced to 25 years in prison.

But the distance and burden of me having to raise a young child on my own had turned me cold towards him.

The allegations involved declared him guilty for the murder of a woman known as a prostitute.   Yet, even though the evidence that was used to convict him was sketchy, I remember feeling humiliated in court. Sexual favors for cash? And now because of his foolishness my daughter could never have a father & daughter dance.

Of course, I was his ride or die chick pleading to the judge letter after letter, visiting and accepting those high ass phone calls.

I remember one day he had asked me to buy an electronic and I snapped.

How the hell was I going to support him and my daughter? Who was supporting me?

His anger for being locked up made him take things out on me and we slowly began to fall apart. I mean we never stopped talking, but things have never been  the same…

Fast forward to today and through therapy,  I realized that my material over-compensating for his missing presence was not helping my daughter heal. Nor was it filling the voids.

The fact of the matter was, he was missing and she was missing him.

But I was confused, she didn’t want to visit him in jail and they spoke on the phone often so..what was I supposed to do?

I was instantly defensive, “Heaven what am I supposed to do, he fucked up not me, I’m here?” 

The therapist let me speak and then said , “Heaven can you tell me how you feel about your mom’s statement.

No she’s right. I love my mom, but she feels how she feel.” Heaven said with her head down.

I was about to get defensive again, but I was quiet.

Heaven had basically showed me the issue. I was shutting her down when she had explained her feelings about her dad and now my baby wasn’t comfortable talking to me.

I had my dad so I had no understanding of how she felt and showed no compassion (not intentionally).

My heart meant well, but my delivery was shitty.

I spent days explaining to my daughter the statistics of children with an incarcerated parent, and drilling in her head that she has to succeed regardless of the numbers.

Explaining to her not to use her dad’s absence as an excuse to do less in life and to survive off the one parent she has, that is rooting for her.

Telling her to get over the fact her dad was missing, is not right.

This hard truth has helped me realize my flaws as a parent, but also as a woman who obviously has not healed from this situation.

To be continued…

Last Minute Gift Ideas for a Tween Like Mine…

If you are looking for last minute ideas for a tween girl like mine, here are 10 gifts she will probably love. This is not all tweens, but girls who are like my baby girl Heaven!

  1. Nails/ Nail polish- My daughter has quite a nail collection. She enjoys doing her friends nails for some pocket change (future business woman), and she also likes buying press on nails. The press on nails are so nice now they look like you got a manicure from a professional salon!nail polish

  2. Anything Justice- Heaven has loved Justice since she was 6. She loves the clothes, jewelry, accessories for her room, back packs, lunch boxes, and much more. The store is specifically for girls and you cannot go wrong purchasing a gift there. justice

  3. Phone cases- My daughter has an iphone. I broke down and bought her one earlier this year, but she  has to have a case that can match her many outfits. You can find phone cases anywhere, but her favorite place is Claire’s Boutique. phone case

  4. Lip gloss- No make up yet, but she is into the sweet glossy (extra glossy) lip stage. She also likes to make her own. So I also purchased her a lip gloss kit which is a great gift. Hey, they can use the kit to start their own business. #girlboss #kidboss

  5. Bookbag purse and fanny packs- My daughter is really into purses to match her outfits. It funny because I remember being into bookbag purses and fanny packs when I was her age. Girls love bags so it is a great gift idea.

  6. Colored Extensions- It took me a minute to get into this trend, but I gave in. Heaven loves colored hair, so I allow her to buy colored extensions to add in her braids for fun. . It’s a unicorn, Vsco girl phase I guess. A lot of girls are into either the clip in extensions, or even the spray in color. We use to use spray and Kool-Aid! lol heavegiftblog2

  7. Scrunchies- All Vsco girls like scrunchies to wear around their wrist, so load up on different colors to match their outfits. You can get them from dollar stores all the way to department stores.

  8. Bath bombs/ smell goods- Bath and body is one of my daughters favorite stores. Most girls like to smell sweet and good. So buying a young lady you know some sweet smelling lotion or body wash will definitely be a hit for Christmas.

  9. Journal/ Books/ Planners- Girls like to write about their goals, dreams, their days, who their best friends are and their plans. They also like to read. This year I bought my daughter all three. A journal to write her daily life goals and secrets. Plus a book called The Confidence Code for girls by Katty Kay & Claire Shipman.book

  10. Gift cards- Lastly, you can never go wrong with gift cards. If you just don’t know what to get just buy a gift card and they can buy what they want!! Some popular gift cards are ITUNES, APPLE, AMAZON.

“If you leave that damn coat at school, don’t come home!”

Hey, I’m a black mom and I’m extra AF (as f*ck), if you aren’t familiar with the acronym. LOL

Excuse my French, but there is no better way to describe my parenting style when it comes to trying to prove a point to my kids.

When my kids leave the house during the Fall and Winter season, I find myself giving them a lecture. Not only about making sure they keep on their coats, but keeping up with their coats. Hats, scarves and gloves as well.

My mama said it to me and I am pretty sure my grandma said it to her.

“If you leave the coat at school, don’t come home.”

For some reason, my kids need me to take it to the extreme to prove to them that I am not playing with them and ….

Ain’t nobody got time for that!

They not only need their coats to stay warm and avoid getting sick. But mama pays good money to keep them warm and I want to see them look like they left the house.

The coats are usually not a huge issue, because they don’t want to freeze those little honey buns off. However, I feel like I replace gloves all winter.  So far the old stick the gloves in the hat and hat in the sleeve trick is working.

If not, I hope the school has some bunk beds, because I mean what I said before.

LOL

jr coat

From A Mom, trying to keep her kids warm

XOXO

Tahnee Cole

Let me be candid, and keep it funky about co-parenting.

Everything is picture perfect now.

You get on social media and the portrayal of a perfect life is the new norm.

The influencers at times, can influence people to live a lie or contribute to insecurities.

Insecurities about fantasies.

A spotless home (usually a mansion), a perfect faithful husband, perfect well-manner kids and my favorite:

Perfect co-parenting relationships…

Look, I am sure there are some very healthy, team player type co-parenting relationships out there. And trust me when I say, I’m proud of them. However, there are a lot of couples who are constantly a work in progress. Co-parenting can be a roller coaster journey, because it can often depend on what the parent is dealing with in his or her own life. Co-parenting can often be difficult for a number of reasons.

Here are a few I have heard outside of my own journey:

  1. Maybe you didn’t get along when you were together . So trying to come to agreements apart can prove to be even more difficult.
  2. Emotions could still be there. Some people don’t want to admit it, but the love they still have for their partner could affect how they raise the kids. The feelings can be  one -side or on both sides. To be honest, many times it is on both sides, but one person is usually in denial.
  3. Still sleeping around and causing confusion. Sex with the ex can be a big “no,no”.
  4. Or you flat out can’t stand each other. So raising a kid together is now another burden and you simply wish the other person would get lost.

Well co-parenting is not something that can be forced or suddenly changed. Depending on how the situation ended, that usually dictates the dynamic of the relationship. It is rough and some days it takes the energy out of you. There will be ups and downs, good days and bad ones.

So yes, it is ok and you do not have to be picture perfect. Do not text you ex and expect them to want to do a photoshoot for social media. Just to prove that you are both mature individuals raising your kids.

Let it flow and pray about it. Be your best self and realize that time will heal everything. Things will change and force people to change.  I am all for broadcasting healthy examples and trying to promote peace and prosperity. However, I am all for people being honest about where they are in life, and not feeling judged or belittled because their family structure does not resemble another.

So live life on your terms and be able to accept where you are at that moment.

Trust me, it will bring you peace and worse case scenario, you and your ex are never able to meet eye to eye. You can be satisfied knowing that you tried, but able to accept that you can’t control anyone, but you.

And honestly, there is more to life than social media facades.

From a Mom, who is just being honest…

Tahnee Cole

YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED…

 

Don’t forget I am a Today Parents contributor…

https://community.today.com/parentingteam/post/you-are-not-obligated-to_1572064421

Hit the link and like the article!

But first…

Are you a parent who struggles to find your voice in certain situations?

It can be tough and we all have our moments.

It is important though that we are able to tell our children “No”.

Not because we are mean, but simply because they will be told no many times and they need to be prepared. They need to be able to accept a “No”, without having a meltdown or becoming violent.

There is nothing wrong with telling them “NO”.

PRACTICE WITH ME and spell it out, “N-O”!!!

 

HIT THE LINK BELOW

https://community.today.com/parentingteam/post/you-are-not-obligated-to_1572064421

 

Tahnee Cole

“THE MOMMY MOTIVATOR”

And Yes, I’m a Mom…

There is such a strong stigma that comes with being a mom. So many expectations, so many requirements. Most of the time, we feel damned if we do, damned if we do not.

One of the most common criticisms I have received is that since I am a mom, I can no longer be viewed as sexy. I am expected to trade in my bikini for a t-shirt when I go to the beach. I am expected to hide myself as though I am no longer an individual. Why can’t I be proud of the body I have as a 30 something mother of two?

I work for a high profile corporate company and on most days I am required to wear business professional attire. So I love to kick back on the weekend and dress how I please. There is a such thing as being tasteful and displaying your beauty. I think a mother is one of the sexiest titles a woman can own. We are the epitome of sexiness! Our bodies are like rubber bands. They stretch, but they can bounce back!

After having my second child, I was feeling down about my body. The drastic changes postpartum can be overwhelming. I started going to the gym to make myself look and feel better. It worked! I could see the changes in my body and my mind. So why am I criticized for wearing a form fitting dress or a pair of shorts? After a long time of feeling bad; I was feeling good and desirable. I salute all the mamas who are proud of their bodies. As long as, I am not degrading myself or embarrassing my children with my image. I will continue to celebrate my femininity and be proud of this body that has created lives and legends. Yes, you are a mom now, but you can still be sexy!

Surviving the Village…

Every mom and dad needs a Village.

They say it takes a village to raise a child.

There will come a point when you can no longer do everything yourself.

Your advice will no longer be enough.

You will need someone to pick up the kids when you are unable to.

God forbid you fall ill and need an extra shoulder to lean on.

The truth is, you will need help at some point during your parenthood journey.

 Yet, can you survive and embrace the Village? Do you have the ability to simply put your pride aside? Can you accept your Village in their rawness?

This will be the real them. The flawed them. The village that will not always have the same thought process as you. However, they are still a Village, your Village.

They each will have a unique perspective on how to raise the kids. A unique relationship with your child. The parent that you co-parent with might not always agree with your decisions. Will this make you crumble, shutdown and force yourself to take on all the challenges alone?  Will you throw a tantrum like a child or are you willing to hear them out? Can you come to an agreement, agree to disagree?

What about co-existing with your nagging mother in law (who is obviously going to be a part of your village)? Or will you shut her out because she is becoming overbearing and opinionated?

 As I get older, I am realizing that a Village who is likeminded makes me feel more comfortable. However, that is not always a guarantee. In a perfect world, we would like everyone to do what we say, when we say, but that is not reality. So we have to accept that the people in our village will contribute something different to our kids lives. I am almost positive that different opinions will benefit one day, because lets face it, we are not always correct.

So, personally I have to allow myself to gain the maturity and wisdom to allow help and strengthen my Village without being judgemental and stubborn.

So the next time you are shutting a family member out, because they disagree with you. Take a moment and try to consider their perspective.

Think about this, are you pushing away your Village? Or are you trying to build your Village stronger?

Can you survive your Village?

From A Mom who is trying to build and not burn her village down!

Tahnee Cole

SBMS

Do you suffer from Super Bitch Mom Syndrome?

The Symptoms are as follows:

  1. Competing with other moms when it comes to mommy duties and your kid’s accomplishments. You even embellish things to make you seem like a better mom.
  2. Complaining about not having any help, but when people offer you decline. Of course you do because you are Super Mom. Help… what the hell is that?
  3. Putting other moms down for their food choices, but we saw you at the McDonalds drive thru the other night. Yeah those happy meals were for your neighbors kids again, right? LOL

There are many other symptoms of Super Bitch Mom Syndrome, but if you have one or all three chances are you need to take a small dosage of chill!

We all know at least one mom who is this way. It may even be YOU. I did not write this to put you down, but to help you take a minute to appreciate who you are. The truth is that you are not and will never be perfect.  We all appreciate your effort and trust me I have suffered from this myself. However, it is 2018 and we need balance. It is perfectly fine to be the best mom you can be, but realize you are going to make mistakes.

Don’t over-work yourself!

Don’t try to impress others!

Don’t stress yourself out!

You are Super without trying to be Super!

 

 

 

 

 

BUSINESS PROFESSIONAL STYLED MAMA?

So I was speaking to a mom the other day, a new mom who has never worked in an office.  She worked in retail and recently at a hair care supply store. She asked me exactly what Business Professional was…

I gave her the side eye…    Screenshot_2018-01-02-11-58-44-1

Well only because I had never met anyone who NEVER had a job that required them to wear Business Professional. Unless of course, it was one of my nurse buddies who dresses in uniform. I mean think about my blog Black Pumps… The ideal shoes for a Corporate Professional Woman is a pair of black pumps. However, there is a first time for everything. Since all of my career has been working in a business professional attire environment; it is my duty to enlighten this Career Mama!

Business Professional is the epitome of DRESS FOR SUCCESS. This professional style represents the company well for presentations, gaining new clients and for landing huge opportunities. It provides a polished and no-nonsense look that yells out, “She’s a Working Woman. She’s a Professional. She is a Boss B….”

 

Ok, I am sure you got the point! thQQ7HRPT0

I especially wanted to talk about this on my blog, because I know a lot of MOMS who blame mommy life on not having enough time to look put together. However, if you want to attract a career with a Business Professional Look listen up:

THE LOOK IS…

A skirt suit or pant suit in colors: Black, Brown, Gray, or Navy are always acceptable. The pants should be full length ( not Capri or Crop styled). Skirts should always hit the knee. Please let go of the Club skirts. We are going for a professional look, not out on a date with your man. A nice conservative shirt or silk blouse will always compliment the suit,  but please BEWARE of shirts that show too much cleavage or are transparent.

FIX IT UP WITH…

When it comes to accessorizing the look, keep the jewelry and makeup down to a minimum. We want our makeup to look polished, but not overdone. Simple earrings like stud diamonds and pearls always create a high class business woman look. Hoisery is a must and shoes should be closed toe. Also, watch for the shoes with the heels that are way too high!  Now honestly, the shoe part is a problem for me, because I love my four to six inch pumps. However, keep in mind you will be in those shoes all day. So find a heel that is comfortable for you.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS…

This is just a general standard from my experience working in Corporate America and general research from various companies. Every company will have their personal set of dress code guidelines. I know many people who complain and say this dress code is cruel to mankind, but honestly it is pretty standard in most Corporate Businesses. If you do not like Business Professional it is best to seek employment with a more relaxed dress code. If you enjoy this type of dress then mix and match different looks.  Plus keep up to date on how to add the latest fashion into your professional look!

Are you apart of the Business Professional Clan?