Lately, I have been entertaining the thought of having a final baby. Only because I have started to really consider a friendship turned into a relationship and possibly marriage is the next discussion. But, the thought of having a baby after 30 is scary to me, especially since I am 34..

How could I not have a baby for my husband?

My friend at work was discussing that her aunt had her final baby at 43. She had tried for a girl 4 times and finally conceived her on her 5th try. I’m kind of glad I got one of each because it truly gave me the opportunity to say I could stop at two, but Idk…

I was definitely born to be a mom, but I also want to enjoy some of my life too without very small children depending on me. I still say that at least by 40 I would have an adult child, a pre-teen and then maybe if I had one within a year or so, one starting school…

There is so much to think about when it comes to starting and raising a family together. Especially, when it comes to starting over as a blended family. The last few years if I would date a man and he wanted more kids, I would instantly stop dating him. I was convinced I was done. However, just recently my little ovaries has been jumping when I see a baby. Preferably another baby girl.

Then I hear the horror stories about the women in their mid 30s going through very rough life threatening pregnancies. God knows I was sick as a dog during both my pregnancies, suffering from severe morning sickness, but I survived.

I keep thinking to myself that my desires only come from the fact that my children are getting older and more independent. As a mom, you can have the tendency to rely on your children needing to be nurtured by you as a way to establish your identity.  So as your children need you less it can be scary.

Maybe it is the fact that my son is finally off the breast and starting school soon. Maybe it is because my daughter will be a teenager this year.

As parents, when we are going through the tough baby phase we cannot wait until our children grow, but as they grow you tend to miss the same moments that stressed you out.

At this point in my life, if the relationship grows into a beautiful marriage, I will be open to having another baby.  However, I am not planning on more children without a solid foundation of trust and security. Even then it is not always promised that things will work out. Still, I will remain positive and let God lead.

Mom life is a beautiful life. Family is a blessing. Only God knows what life is in store for me.

• Tahnee Cole